Simple physics

Darwin strikes again! Well, sort of. It seems our victim hasn’t expired yet but… he should.

First mistake: he was walking his dog on some train tracks. On a bridge. Second mistake? There wasn’t one; the first one was stupid enough. I mean, didn’t this guy learn anything from “Stand By Me”?

I drew a diagram to help him understand what happens when tons upon tons of steel and metal traveling at high speed slams into soft tissue and bone.

Lightning strikes again!

Heehee, I’m giddy about this one. It turns out that the all-powerful, all-knowing and all-benevolent god that we all know and love is back up to his old tricks. It seems that when he’s not sending tsunami waves or earthquakes or volcanoes to crush Indonesians, he’s busy striking down those that pray to him. Remember those peasant mexican kids? Toast!

Now there’s this report about a woman in Alabama getting burnt a little crispy while praying to the lord.

Clara Jean Brown was worried about her family’s safety during their Memorial Day jaunt to a stormy beach (clear Darwin award candidates but that’s another story…) so she prayed for their safe return. Having finished her prayers, she closed with the traditional “Amen” and then “the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire.” Luckily, Ms. Brown survived. And I only say “luckily” because Clara is too old to produce any more hayseed spawn.

Unsung cinematic heroes

Some movies suck, and suck in very profound ways. Other movies are quite good. Then there are movies with titties in them.

Boobs are the unsung heroes of the silver screen. Take the movie “Antitrust” for example. That is one of the worst movies to ever fire its shitty photons into my brain. Fuck that movie. It’s nowhere near sophisticated enough to make its statement without eliciting guffaws from any audience member with more than double digit IQ points and the acting is terrible across the board. So why on earth did I even bother to watch it? Because it starred Rachael Leigh Cook and Claire Forlani – two actresses who are not nearly recognized enough for their beauty. I figured watching them on screen for an hour and a half was a pretty good deal. I was wrong, the movie was that terrible.

BUT…

…if either of them had taken their gear off, “Antitrust” would be one of my favorite movies. Even with all its other flaws. That’s the power titties possess. If BOTH of them had taken their gear off, we’d be talking about a rival to “Citizen Kane.” And if both of them had taken their tops off and, you know, fooled around a little bit – then we’d be talking about spooling this film on golden reels and sealing it up for alien civilizations to find long after we’re gone.

How many shitty actresses got their starts of prolonged their careers by taking their tops off? There’s a whole late-night genre of films that are completely unwatchable… except for the fact that some D-list bimbo is shedding clothes. And do we complain?

Take a look at the photo above. Anne Hathaway’s funbags are phenomenal and, you know what? They’re almost enough to make me see a movie about two cowboys pumping semen into each other.

Almost.

Skateboarding dog!

Man, everyone has seen some jerk-off video of a dog skateboarding but it’s usually because someone put the little bastard on and pushed him. Not this dog. He can actually propel himself and steer too. Good stuff…

Dude... what cologne are you wearing?

There are a whole host of smells that people find pleasing but that also won’t be turned into a wearable fragrance. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer comes up with the idea to make a cologne that smells like the beach. I personally don’t think that’s a smell that translates well as an eau de toilette. Rotting fish carcasses don’t make for an appealing scent. I do understand the concept though. I mean, if someone could capture the smell right after it rains and turn that into cologne, that’d be pretty rad.

But what about Play-Doh? I have to admit that I’ve always loved the smell of Play-Doh. As a play product I always felt it was inferior to say, Silly Putty or clay… but the scent? Play-Doh smells awesome.

I didn’t expect this though: for about 20 bucks, you can buy a one ounce bottle of Play-Doh cologne. I’m not even kidding when I say I’m considering a purchase. Well… maybe I’m kidding a little. But still, it is intriguing…

This shit pisses me off...

Check this out. Try to enlarge the picture. It says "enlarge" but when you click the button, a new window pops up with a picture exactly the same size as the one you're trying to expand on. It says "enlarge," so ENLARGE DICKHEAD!!

The story pisses me off too.

Dogs are dumb

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I like dogs and all. I just think they’re stupid. Sometimes they’re inspirational and sometimes they do shit that’s just plain funny. Other times though, they’re the damned creatures that keep you up at night with their incessant barking. Why are you making so much noise!?

Dogs don’t even have a language yet they spend a good amount of time screaming. Screaming at nothing! Sometimes I come home and park the car. As I walk calmly into my own home, the asshole neighbor dog is yelling at me. Listen motherfucker, you see that fence? That clearly separates your territory from my territory. I’m on MY SIDE OF THE FENCE!! Leave me the fuck alone!

Other times, I’ll vaguely hear a dog some far distance away barking. The problem is, the stupid dogs in my neighborhood hear it barking too. What do they do? They bark. That’s what they do. I can’t imagine what goes on in a dog’s brain, “I hear some other dog making noise… what the shit? I might as well make some too.”

Sometimes they’ll see something in the alley. They’ll run after it and yell at that too. Once again, if it’s not on your side of the fence, it’s not your damn business. I suppose, however, I can give a dog a pass if he’s checking out a lady dog meandering through the alleyway. Still though, there’s no real language so this is what it all boils down to:

Guy dog thinks: “what’s up chica?”
Guy dog says: “woof”
Guy dog thinks: “oh what, you’re ignoring me?”
Guy dog says: “woof”
Guy dog thinks: “eat shit, I didn’t really like you anyway!”
Guy dog says: “woof”
Guy dog thinks: “what’s your fucking problem anyway?”
Guy dog says: “woof”
Guy dog thinks: “stay out of my alleyway!!”
Guy dog says: “woof”

Stupid dogs, SHUT UP!

A grammar lesson

FUCK. I hate when people can’t express themselves in a coherent manner via the written word. Perhaps I’m too much of a stickler for such details but it still drives me nuts to see simple mistakes like confusing “to” with “too.” With that in mind, here’s a little primer on a few of the ones that kill me.

To and Too

TO: usually used with a verb. Example: “I’m going to kill Andrew.”
TOO: 1.) can be used to mean ‘also.’ Example: “Andrew says porn stars aren’t the only ones that can swallow bukkake loads, he can do it too.”
2.) can also be used to indicate ‘more than enough.’ Example: “A pickle barrel is too big to fit inside Andrew’s cavernous bunghole.

Your and You’re

Your: is possessive
You’re: is a contraction of ‘you are’

Examples: “Hey Andrew, you’re* going to give yourself hemorrhoids if you keep using your** ass ramming dildo too*** vigorously.”

* contraction
** possessive
*** excessive

There, Their and They’re

There: a place
Their: plural possessive
They’re: is a contraction of ‘they are’

Examples: “They’re* over there** with their*** mouths agape marveling at Andrew’s ability to seemingly inhale cock with his anus.”

*contraction
** place
*** possessive

So… are we clear?

The secret for happiness

So anyway, I run across this study here and it seems that semen makes you happy. In other words, when you have someone cumming inside you, you’re a happy camper.

Here’s the deal: apparently there are mood-altering hormones in semen that are absorbed by the vagina after sex which, in turn, lead to a more pleasant disposition for the one doing the absorbing.

First of all, this is good news for all dudes out there. I mean, assuming your lady is on some sort of pill or is using Depo-Provera or some other sort of contraceptive, pulling out is not only unnecessary but should be discouraged. At least that’s what you should tell her. Her happiness is at stake! (In all fairness though, you ought to pull out from time to time. I mean, if there is an antidote for happy, it’s having a kid. That and syphilis. So in this situation the “facial” or “pearl necklace” is recommended.)

What’s more, though unconfirmed, it seems that swallowing has the same effects! Fuckin’ word!

I guess that explains why Andy’s mom, being the cum-dumpster she is, is always smiling. Come to think of it, Andy is always in a good mood too. Hmm….

(Sorry dude, I had to.)

I NEED YOUR HELP!

I am honestly curious about something so I need your help. If you read this post, PLEASE COMMENT ON IT and share your opinions.

Here’s the situation: A couple of days ago, I posted two of Don Hertzfeldtz’s cartoons: “Ah L'amour” and “Rejected,” on my blog (please check them out so you have a frame of reference here. The first one is about two minutes long and the second is about 9 minutes).

Now… I didn’t think too much about it – I thought the cartoons were funny and that was the end of that.

Until Yesterday.

Yesterday I got this message via email:

“It’s no wonder that people are so brutal and shoot their classmates in school if videos like those posted on your site are so prevalent and viewed on the internet. I mean, really! What were you thinking? I bet you found it funny when that bimbo ripped the skin off that guy and poured salt on him. As funny as you might think it is, I don’t find it at all amusing.

I hope that none of my friends who know about your site see it in the next few days because if any of them were to ask me, “what the hell is wrong with him,” I will only be able to say that I asked myself that same question when I saw those videos.

I have to say I couldn’t even finish watching those videos. They were too offensive…”

So there you have it.

In any event, I am legitimately curious to get peoples’ response to this. Do you agree or disagree with the email above? What would you say to this person? Post your comments!!

My SPOON is too big!

Don Hertzfeldt is a genius. Check out:

Ah L'amour

and

Rejected

A hummer at Hooters

I’ve never held the same fascination with Hooters that most other guys have (for clarification: I’m talking about the restaurant, not the real things. Real hooters kick ass…). I went to Hooters in Phoenix once and everything about it sucked: the girls were ugly, the wings were over-hyped and it was expensive compared to what you’d get elsewhere.

That experience was enough for me. I mean honestly, what’s the draw of that place? The girls right? Well, there aren’t any EATING there so you are at the mercy of whether or not the staff is attractive. From what I’ve gathered though, the women who work at Hooters are mediocre in looks and just a step above your run-of-the-mill stripper personality-wise. They show enough skin to pique the interest yet don’t show enough to be considered scandalous. Well what’s the point I ask? If I wanted to settle for shitty food, they why not quit the pretense and just head to a titty bar?

Still though, Hooters manages to stay in business and until today, the reason for that eluded me. It all makes sense now though. Apparently Hooters is NOT the tease it markets itself as… it’s a veritable brothel!

According to this story, a Hooters manager in Alabama was fired for contacting Hooter Headquarters after a visiting training manager gave a pep-talk to his employees which they later complained about. What was so bad about said pep-talk? Well, start with the training manager’s observation that the waitresses were, “the ones with the pussys and you are in control because of that." Hmm. That’s an interesting statement from a corporate representative. Still, you have to admit – it’s kinda true.

Oh but wait! She also said this: “If you need the extra money, go ahead and suck a dick or fuck a customer if the money is right."

The hell you say! Suddenly Hooters’ allure is very clear to me. Sure the chicken wings might suck, but for a good tip – your waitress will too.

Monkey!

Dress the monkey up and make it say what you want it to say. Good stuff here.