Unsung cinematic heroes

Some movies suck, and suck in very profound ways. Other movies are quite good. Then there are movies with titties in them.

Boobs are the unsung heroes of the silver screen. Take the movie “Antitrust” for example. That is one of the worst movies to ever fire its shitty photons into my brain. Fuck that movie. It’s nowhere near sophisticated enough to make its statement without eliciting guffaws from any audience member with more than double digit IQ points and the acting is terrible across the board. So why on earth did I even bother to watch it? Because it starred Rachael Leigh Cook and Claire Forlani – two actresses who are not nearly recognized enough for their beauty. I figured watching them on screen for an hour and a half was a pretty good deal. I was wrong, the movie was that terrible.

BUT…

…if either of them had taken their gear off, “Antitrust” would be one of my favorite movies. Even with all its other flaws. That’s the power titties possess. If BOTH of them had taken their gear off, we’d be talking about a rival to “Citizen Kane.” And if both of them had taken their tops off and, you know, fooled around a little bit – then we’d be talking about spooling this film on golden reels and sealing it up for alien civilizations to find long after we’re gone.

How many shitty actresses got their starts of prolonged their careers by taking their tops off? There’s a whole late-night genre of films that are completely unwatchable… except for the fact that some D-list bimbo is shedding clothes. And do we complain?

Take a look at the photo above. Anne Hathaway’s funbags are phenomenal and, you know what? They’re almost enough to make me see a movie about two cowboys pumping semen into each other.

Almost.