Great Picture

I can't. Stop. Laughing.

One question we can put to bed…

It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves, “can 42 trained midgets take on a fully grown lion?”

Well friends, I have the answer for you: NO FUCKING WAY.

In other news, I’m leaving Germany and moving to Cambodia.

Here’s the deal: some dude had a midget fighting league in Cambodia. Another dude told the first dude that one lion could take on all 42 of his midget battlers. Of course, the midget wrangler got all insulted and pissed and accepted the challenge. A date was set and a lion was shipped over for the express purpose of taking on the 42 midgets. Tickets sold out weeks in advance (duh…) and here’s the thing: the Cambodian Government allowed the fight to happen under the condition that they receive half the proceeds.

You know how when there’s a big boxing match that’s hyped forever, then the fight comes and it’s a shitty three round battle that wasn’t worth the money Oscar spent to put the show on? Well, I’m guessing that there was no such feeling of disappointment in the crowd after the lion v. midget fight got called after only 12 minutes. You see, in the span of those 12 eventful minutes, 28 of the midgets were killed and the other 14 suffered sever injuries including broken bones and lost limbs.

Awesome.

The article quote is the best: “Sihamoni [the midget owner guy…] was quoted before the fight stating that he felt since his fighters out-numbered the lion 42 to 1, that they ‘… could out-wit and out-muscle [it].’

Unfortunately, he was wrong.”

Sometimes third world shitholes rule.

Evidence

Jenna and Dani came through with a couple of pictures from last week. Top photo is me and Justin (I know I look like a doofus, so save it) and the bottom photo is a picture of the setlist Ryan grabbed from the sound board.

Alrighty then. Picture this if you will…

I met Tool. Here’s how the night went down:

Tool played a show in Munich last night. Honestly, I can’t remember ever being as prepared for a show as I was for this one. Everything, from the wardrobe (warm enough to keep me cozy in the open but not so hot that I’d start hallucinating during the show), the footwear (my Nike ACG boots because they make me a good inch or two taller and won’t get pulled off my feet) to my pre-show meal was mapped out.

I showed up to the venue and there were a shit ton of people queuing up to get in even though the opening act wasn’t scheduled to hit the stage for a good hour or so. I spent about 25 minutes in the line and I was finally nearing the entrance when Justin walked out with his wife, right through the middle of the assembled crowd, and stood around like he was waiting for something. He was wearing a green jacket and pulled his hood on. It must have worked because no one recognized him. Suddenly I had a dilemma: should I jump out of line to talk to him or should I save the time since was getting close to getting in? Did I say dilemma? What kind of idiot wouldn’t take the chance to talk to Justin? I jumped out of line and approached him. His back was to me so I clapped him on the shoulder and he turned around. He looked genuinely shocked that someone recognized him. Think about this though: there were thousands of people in line (seriously – the line wrapped around to the very back of the venue) and they were all waiting to get in and see Tool perform. So the bass player walks out and no one recognizes him but me.

In any event, I shook his hand and told him I just wanted to say hello. We exchanged some pleasantries, I said hello to his wife Shelee, they asked me not to tell anyone he was out there and I agree, he said thanks for that and thanks for coming and clapped me back on the shoulder. Pretty cool. Two things stand out from this first meeting: I don’t buy that he’s 6-4. He’s not short, definitely over six feet but 6-4 is stretching it. The second thing was that his hands are HUGE. You could have landed a plane on them.

It was a short encounter though and I was able to run back to the line and reclaim my old space as the dudes behind me were pretty cool. I got into the venue and it had the Phoenix Civic Plaza vibe. There was one thing, however, that irritated me straight away. It was all general admission but the area immediately in front of the state was barricaded off. There were people in there so I asked a security guard how to get in there and he told me I couldn’t. I asked if it was a VIP area and he said no, it’s just blocked off. I still can’t figure out what purpose this served. Since Kathi’s sister wasn’t with me this time, I would have owned that barrier but I couldn’t even get in to the area. Bullshit. Oh well, the secondary barricade became my new target and I was on it before the opening act was a quarter of the way into their set.

Speaking of the opening band, Mastodon, they were actually pretty good. Tool gave them 45 minutes but it worked because they came on 15 minutes earlier than they were scheduled to. I thought that was pretty clever. They got to play a decently long set and they didn’t cut into Tool’s time.

They finished at 8:30 and I waited for Tool. The area I had staked out for myself was actually really good. I obviously would have preferred to be right up against the stage but I was still pretty close. I had a clear and close up view of everyone but Justin. Adam was close enough that we would have been a very comfortable distance away from each other for a game of catch. My view of Danny was also unimpeded, which was important.

Tool hit the stage just after 9:00. Maynard was shirtless, wearing jeans and a gasmask with the microphone built in. Danny was wearing his Lakers Kobe jersey. The set list was as follows (note: I later hung out with the dude that scored the official set list from the sound board so this is 100% verified accurate):

Stinkfist
46&2
Jambi
Schism
Lost Keys/Rosetta Stoned
(drum solo)
Sober
-set break-
Wings/10,000 Days
Lateralus
Vicarious
Aenima

Stinkfist was the extended live version, Schism had the extended “speed metal” bridge, Danny did a short drum solo before Sober and then afterward they sat around on stage for their customary break. Maynard bantered with the crowd and said they’d probably be in Europe again next summer for the festivals where they could play outside in the fresh air and he could forgo the gas mask. The Wings songs were awesome and Danny did some really cool work during the “You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence…” part of the song. He also basically turned the second half of Lateralus into a drum solo. He was going nuts. Vicarious came next and there were two notes about this song that stood out: first, Justin did the “solo,” not Adam (well, it’s not really a solo but I’m talking about the trill that’s in the bridge) and Maynard didn’t sing the “lie, lie, lie, lie, lie…” part which I actually considered an improvement. He sang one emphatic “Lie!” and that’s it. Aenima closed the show and the crowd really responded to it. After they finished up, they closed around each other for a group hug, bowed to the crowd, threw some gear out and disappeared.

The concert itself was the best show I’ve ever been to. Tool was fucking ON last night. They were good in Düsseldorf when I saw them in June but they did look a little disinterested. Last night was my sixth Tool show and I’ve never seen them play with as much energy as they did last night. Adam was the only exception but even he moved a little bit. If Robin Crosby was the lion of the Rock Jungle, then Adam is the sloth. What’s weird though is that he’s still cool to watch, even if he’s not busting a move. In any event, they had a ton of energy and they were perfect. Adam didn’t fuck up once (I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt because he actually missed one of the Cs in the intro to Lateralus but it didn’t sound very much like a flub and may have indeed been intentional) and Maynard hit EVERYTHING from the smallest whispers to the screams and he was in key the whole time. Danny and Justin are robots because they never muff anything. Even the mix was awesome. It was loud but you could hear everything. The guys at the soundboard deserved some props.

After the show ended, I lingered for a bit because I knew that I wasn’t going anywhere for a while. The subway was going to be too crowded and I didn’t have to be in bed early or anything so I just hung out for a while. I ended up outside and walked around to the back of the arena where I noted the tour buses. I just wanted to peek around and see what was going on before taking off when I heard some people speaking English. I turned to look and one of them was holding the set list. I asked him if I could have a look so I could note the songs and their order. We started chatting and I hung out with him and a couple of others for a while. They were Matt R. from the Bay Area, Jenna from Toronto and Danny from Munich. We were temporarily joined by two drunken dudes from Greece.

We hung around talking for a while when Maynard appeared behind two bodyguards. The bodyguards hustled him past us and we asked if we could say hi but Maynard shook his head curtly and kept on trucking. One of the Greek idiots surely didn’t do any of us a favor when he started bellowing, “Maynard! Mayyyyyyyynard!” but I’m 100% sure Maynard didn’t want to bothered anyway. We decided to stick around for a little bit and see if anyone else would come out and a bit later Justin and his wife came out. We chatted with him, got an autograph and some pictures (note: I didn’t have any camera with me but there’s a photo of me with Justin on Jenna’s camera. I gave her my email address but I don’t know whether I can count on getting that picture. We’ll see…). When I addressed Justin, he recognized me from before the show. Shelee, Justin’s wife, later told me that they talked about me afterwards because I wasn’t an annoying fan boy and also because they couldn’t tell if I was American or if I was German and my English was just really good. Anyway, I told him he killed the Wings songs and he told me that it was actually difficult to play because he was having trouble hearing himself in the mix. We talked about soccer a little bit. Shelee was excited about this because she’s part Dutch and LOVES soccer. She asked me what I was doing in Munich and I told her I came here for the World Cup and never left so she pulled Justin away from some people to talk to me. I retold the story and he was impressed. I asked him to clear up which team he supports because he’s been spotted wearing Chelsea jerseys but some others have reported that he’s an Arsenal fan. When I told him that, he shot me a disgusted look like I’d just asked him if I could sodomize his dead grandmother. He supports Chelsea, for the record. After a while he grabbed some beers and headed off into the bus to hang out with some buddies and the dudes from Mastodon.

Shelee went with him but came back a while later and actually hung out with us. She brought a bottle of Absolut and a Sprite chaser and we killed that before the night was over. She told us that she had been a tour manager and Justin had properly courted her and they had a secret relationship for about a year before they came clean. I mention this because the tour manager part was interesting. She’s worked with other bands like Filter, Smashing Pumpkins, Metallica, Guns and Roses, etc. She said that Axel Rose has anxiety attacks and sometimes he has to be sedated before he goes on stage. She also verified that he’s had lots of plastic surgery and mentioned that he looks like Carrot Top now. She told us Metallica are awesome dudes when they’re sober but when they were younger and fucked up they could be dicks. I asked about Filter and she said that Richard Patrick is the biggest cocksucker on the face of the planet. She said if you can work for him, you can work for anyone in the world. She would check him into a hotel and when she wasn’t around he’d check himself out and go to another hotel. He’d barricade himself in his rooms and they’d have to call the hotel authorities to break down doors and get his sorry ass out to do what he needed to do. I mentioned that he has a great voice and she agreed. She said that as much of a piece of shit as he was, when he’d take the stage and start singing, she’d forget all about it and get goose bumps. Then he’d be a dick again.

We asked about Maynard and she simply said, “Maynard’s, uhhh…. Maynard’s….. difficult.” When Tool tours, Maynard has his own bus, his own room and hardly socializes with the band. When they’re at home, they rarely see him. The rest of the band members have separate lives too but they get together at least once a month and have dinner and hang out together. She told up that Maynard is very shy and nervous. He doesn’t like to take pictures because it gives him vertigo. As for the gas mask, I thought it was just part of Maynard being a weirdo rock star who can wear shit like that and get away with it but she said he actually wears it because he HATES cigarette smoke. He had a gas mask created because they don’t do a good enough job of stopping smoking inside the European venues and it bothers him. When he made the crack about playing outside in the fresh air where he wouldn’t have to wear the mask, I thought he was joking. Shelee said he was dead serious. She also said that she’s “known” him and been with the band/Justin for years and she still doesn’t really know Maynard.

She was also the bearer of bad news. Apparently we can forget about a live dvd; at least for anytime in the foreseeable future. Matt asked about that and she simply said the band doesn’t like to be filmed or photographed because they feel they might lose too much of their privacy. If you’re not retarded, you can see pictures of them in magazines or on the web and whatnot but how many people really search for that kind of stuff? They want their privacy and seem to feel that a dvd with their visages plastered all over the place would diminish that.

Shit.

As we were chatting and drinking with Shelee, Adam wandered out but he disappeared as quickly as Maynard did. He wasn’t as direct in his avoidance as Maynard was but he certainly didn’t linger. She told us that he was very tired and a little grumpy backstage so he was probably going to hit the rack in the bus. She offered to get us autographs though so we ponied up our tickets and she took them on the bus and emerged a short while later with autographs for all of us. Shelee kicked fucking ass. Justin reappeared a little while later and Shelee left with him to hang out with some friends and the dudes from Mastodon.

Not long after that, Danny came walking out with a bodyguard but he stopped and chatted with us. They say he’s 6-5 and I’ll buy that one. He was a big dude and incredibly nice. I shook his hand and, like Justin’s, it was freaking enormous. Perhaps you need to have ridiculously large hands to be a rock star. Who knows? In any event he chatted for a while and, though he wouldn’t take pictures, he said he’d sign anything for us. He autographed some stuff for us and thanked us for coming to the show. The bus’ engine was already running and he had to take off so he didn’t linger long but he was really cool. He cracked some jokes and you could tell that’s he’s got a pretty good sense of humor.

And that was that. Matt, Danny, Jenna and I headed back to the subway stop and went home. I got home and Kathi’s sister was already in bed. She asked why it had taken so long for me to come home and I told her that I met Tool. She grunted and went back to sleep. Chicks…

Words fail...

Just watch this.

There is a god, and he hates this chick

I spoke too soon.

Take a look at this picture. What do you think is going on here? If you guessed, “that chick is about to shit herself in the Jacuzzi” then you’d be correct. So, just when I felt that things weren’t going my way I find this.

(Update on things not going my way: I left work on Thursday and missed my tram home because I wanted a snack. I caught the next tram and the power cable broke and left us without power. I had to walk forever to the next subway station and then forever back to the apartment. To make things worse, I had to drop a deuce and I thought I was home alone so I let loose with a blast that shook the walls. It was approximately at this point that I heard the door to Kathi’s room open. She chose that day to stay home and got to hear my ass symphony. Afterward, I lost the ability to shit; it just went away. Sweet. I was also scheduled for a long day on Saturday, Bayern Munich lost on Wednesday and it was cold as balls during the Bayern amateurs game this weekend. Also, I just found out Mike Patton’s new band “Peeping Tom” is playing here on Tuesday and I can’t go because I have to work that night. There’s more too, but this isn’t about me. It’s about this poor chick who done shit herself in the hot tub.)

I thought I had it rough but at least the most embarrassing moment of my life wasn’t captured on video and published on the internet for everyone to see.

What would you do if you were this chick? There’s a whole story that’s being told in this short 16 seconds. Look at the discomfort on her face. You know she has diarrhea and is debating whether to take a toilet break or soldier on. So she asks the director if it’s going to take long and he tells her he needs another 30 seconds or so. So she thinks, “30 seconds? Surely I can hold it for 30 more seconds!” Watch her face too. She’s putting on the act and then the first warning sign appears (seriously, watch her face).

Then, her stomach starts to cramp up and she stands up because this isn’t going to wait anymore. Then: disaster. She can’t hold it anymore and shits herself right in the Jacuzzi. I like the other people’s reactions when it happens. The dude yells out, “HOLY SHIT!!” and everyone bails (is it just me though or did they take a little too long? I’d have been out of that fucking hot tub like there were rocket boosters attached to me). And the poor white girl can do nothing but keep on shitting herself, cover her mouth in the “oh my god, this is soo embarrassing” pose and curse the rancid fucking Taco Bell food that left her intestines in such disorder.

Something else though: she stays in the hot tub. I mean granted, her options were limited but she left her legs dangling in her own dooky water. Leave you dumb bitch!

Oh well though, her pain = our gain. This is one of the greatest video clips ever.

There is a god and he hates me.

Someone I haven’t heard from in ages contacted me again (via e-mail) not so long ago. After a lull in contact she responded to a message from me with a passage that says, “Anywho, I read something today that made me think of u....The caption or [sic] the article read ‘Naked man arrested for having a concealed weapon’...need I say more.”

She meant this article. Now, I’ve never avoided facing the fact that I’m an asshole but I ask: has it really gotten to the point where naked ex-cons with weapons hidden in their bung make people think, “Hey – I wonder what Sivlitz is up to”? (And yes, I fully realize I’ve just set them up and now y’all are going to knock ‘em down. Have at it. Make your jokes you fucking jackals).

I wrote back that when I’m naked, my weapon is impossible to conceal. I wrote that because I fucking rule.

Still though, I got to thinking about other stuff. For example, the Democrats are back in control of the House and possibly the Senate. Honestly, I’m not as upset as you might think about this, mostly because the Republicans stepped in every single motherfucking pile of shit they could possibly have stepped in. Damned by their hubris I guess. Still, though I’m not distraught over the election results, I’m not terribly happy either.

Add to this the fact that the US Soccer Federation has possibly added a friendly game against mexico to the schedule. In Phoenix. Great. Thanks for not doing that for years and years and then getting off your ass to make it happen while I’m in Germany. Good work there.

Also, Kathi’s sister recently bought a new bed and it was delivered on Monday. I had been planning on going to bed early that day to catch up on some sleep I’d been lacking. Though she succeeded in building most of the bed by the time I had gotten back from work, she succeeded in building the god damned thing upside down. We had to disassemble and reassemble (to be fair, she did most of the reassembling as I was busy eating lasagna) the bed before we could go to sleep. So much for that then…

Life isn’t all bad though. In a little more than two hours, I will be present for FC Bayern Munich’s game against Hannover 96 (and their American right back, Steve Cherundolo) and in a little more than a week, Tool will be in town. None of these good developments, however, mean that god is any less of a pole smoker.

There… I said it.