Contract of Wifely Expectations

Ok… most of us have some standards that we uphold in the people we choose to date. That’s completely understandable, right? I mean if your girlfriend starts doing heroin, you will probably break up with her. If your boyfriend suddenly commits himself to a life of crime, you will probably break up with him.

There are also a number of things that you might not like but they aren’t automatic deal-breakers. For example, I like long hair on women because 99.99999999973% percent of the time it looks eleventy million times better than short hair. But would I kick a girl I really liked to the curb for cutting her hair short? Nah.

Still though, there are those few intrepid souls that take unwritten standards to new heights.

By writing them down, for example.

Or even worse, creating a contract of wifely expectations.

That is the case with Mr. Travis Frey who wrote up such a contract for his wife that set guidelines for what he expected from her. A contract people. When his wife met certain plateaus, she was awarded “Good Behavior Days” which she could use to get out of doing other things. What were some of the things Mr. Frey demanded from his wife? Here are some highlights:

• She had to shave (pubes, underarms and legs) a minimum of every three days and the only hair she was permitted to keep was a landing strip above her box. However, the hair was not to exceed the dimensions of two inches tall by one inch wide and the hair could be no longer than one-third of and inch.
• When not entertaining guests, she was REQUIRED to be naked within 20 minutes of putting the kids to bed.
• Frey had “My Time” during which his wife was not allowed to disagree with him and must do whatever she was told to do – including sex acts.
• Those Good Behavior Days? They could be revoked five at a time if Frey didn’t think his wife was cheerful enough when carrying out whatever stupid thing he made her do…
• If he made her go down on him, she was required to do so for at least 5 minutes (or until he finished. Who said he wasn’t flexible in his demands?)
• On a bright note, unexpected anal sex was worth 14 Good Behavior Days!
• Her birthdays were considered Good Behavior Days. His birthdays? She had to go out and by a sex toy for herself and that was considered her birthday gift to him

So how did this completely batshit crazy contract become public knowledge? Well, things like that tend to be exposed when you’re accused of kidnapping your wife…

Fraternity Hazing

I would reckon that most people know I am a Kappa Sigma. Joining a fraternity was something that I had never ever considered before actually going to college but the way you plan things and they way they actually turn out are oftentimes quite different. Nevertheless, the fraternity has been a great experience. It helped to keep my grades up when I was in school and has opened some doors networking-wise that might not have been opened otherwise. Hell, I got my current job because I’m a member of the same fraternity as the boss.

Still though, there was a price to be paid. An entire semester of pledgeship was that price. We were forced to memorize the fraternity creed and recite the whole thing under pressure while forced to hold a lit match upside down, we were essentially butlers for the actives, etc. The week before initiation (I-week) we were forced to stay at the chapter house and undergo a boot camp-like atmosphere where we got very little sleep and very little food while being forced to complete tedious objectives like picking out every rock from our landscaped drainage ditch and hand washing them or trying to put together a 1,000 piece puzzle that had been painted black to obscure any reference we could use. One of the actives locked us in his garage and our dinner that night was the contents of a tin can that was pulled from a bag. The catch was that all the labels had been removed and the meals ranged from fruit salad to raw clam chowder to dog food. I still cannot identify what I “ate” that night (it had the same consistency and appearance as snot and I threw up after two spoonfuls so… no dinner for me that night). Still though, our hazing could have been much worse.

We were never forced to have sex with a goat for example.

It turns out that the AGRs at Western Kentucky University had secured the services of a goat that they kept locked up in a storage room. It’s debatable whether they were going to ask their pledges to actually do anything with the thing but… that’s gotta be a sobering sight for a pledge.

Still though, it raises a question: exactly how bad do you want to be in a fraternity? I guaran-damn-tee that I would not be a Kappa Sig today if I had been asked to couple with a goat.

These people are from Kentucky though. Maybe that explains something.

Sivlitz responds to Andy's response

Sigh…

Folks, I am breaking a one of the ground rules of my very existence here: never get into a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. This, however, cannot go unpunished. It seems our little friend here hasn’t learned to leave well enough alone. You know how boxers get goofy later in life after they take too many shots to their brain? That’s what’s happening to Andy except it’s nuts constantly slamming on his chin that is causing his retardation. Anyhow, I will answer our simpleton friend’s diatribe below (by the way, all spelling, punctuation and grammar errors are his. I won’t even get into the finer points of the things we have in English called “paragraphs”):

“First off, what's this infatutation Joe has with Roethlisberger…?”

Ok, I’ll admit that sometimes I get carried away with my praise for Go.. I mean, Big Ben. But in all seriousness, the dude just turned around my all-time favorite pro team and won the freaking Super Bowl. He had what has to be, without question, the greatest rookie season in pro football history and won the championship in his second season as a 23 year old. Dude… my freakin’ retard brother Danny is turning 23 in April – think about that for a second.

On top of that, he was cool enough to take time out of a busy game of craps at Caesar’s Palace last year to chat a little bit and sign something for me. That rules, period.

Put the shoe on the other foot for a second: what if Alex Smith led the San Francisco Trans-Gender All-stars (I mean – 49ers) to the NFC championship as a rookie and then won the Super Bowl in his second season. Something tells me you’d be running your yap about him. It’s just a guess though.

(And no, I don’t have anything against the 49ers – calm down. It’s just that I have to make a gay joke about San Francisco. It’s as unavoidable as making gay jokes about Andy. Mandatory even…)


“WE DON'T CARE!”

THEN STOP LEAVING COMMENTS ABOUT IT YOU FUCKING DOLT!

“He consistenly brings me up during his "gay comment" remarks or new stories he has to talk about. Ex: September 05 archives "Why I prefer bars to clubs" & October 05 "delta Lamba Phi breaks fraternity stereotypes!"”

My post count is in the 70s now and you’ve found two posts where I rag on you for being a pillow biting cock-gobbler. Watch out Columbo, Detective Grundle is on the case!

I’m almost sad for you that you went through 7-8 months worth of posts to dig that scandalous info up. Didn’t you have an avocado face mask to apply? Didn’t you have to shave your legs or something? Where do you find all this free time? In your furry shorts pocket?


“Joseph consistently points me out & makes random statements that im gay.”

Andy be fair. EVERYONE points out that you smoke pole and gives you shit about it.


“First, i want to say that I have yet to witness Joe with a female.”

Is the view that bad from IBT’s?


“I know of one, but not since that one girl about 8 years ago.”

There it is folks, the embarrassing truth comes out. I have only slept with one girl in my whole life and it was, like… ten years ago. Detective Grundle strikes again!


“from the one girl i know of i give her an 8, which is good. I know this because Joe knows this. (Whole other story)”

You are treading on dangerous ground here my “I’m considering taking steroids because, like Pinocchio, my stick body leaves me wishing I were built like a real boy” friend.

The “whole other story” Andy refers to has to do with the fact that this particular girl is the only girl that the both of us have hooked up with. What’s it like getting my sloppy seconds by the way?

We can tell this story if you choose… I’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.


“If i were to add my score it comes out to 138/170...i've had a 10,9,7 &14 8's. That is impressive.”

Did you really keep score – not just of how many girls you’ve been with but also their rank on a ten scale? What is this, middle school? How did you ask these girls out, did you hand them a note that said “do you like me? Check yes or no”? I’m not impressed for you – I’m embarrassed. It’s almost like you have something to prove. Something that you can feel when people look at you because they have doubts about something.

Me? I’ve never ever claimed to be big pimpin’ but I’m not a flunky either. As a matter of fact, I’ve conquered 6 nations. I KNOW that’s something you can’t even begin to make a claim on unless you’re Antonio Alfonseca and you’ve given your fingers exotic names like, Guadalupe, Jane, Amelie, Ziyi, Helga and Natasha. Living abroad had certain advantages you know…

I haven’t felt the need to blow a trumpet and pat myself on the back for the girls I’ve been with but then again, no one’s ever thought I smoked pole so I don’t have that granite block on my shoulder. And one more thing: I don’t kiss and tell because I’m old school like that. I believe some shit needs to stay out of the public eye. Randy’s known me for almost 20 full years and he probably doesn’t know any more about my work than you do. Discretion is the better part of valor. I guess I’m also old school in the sense that guys shouldn’t pluck their eyebrows, shave anything other than their faces or take loads of semen on their backs. Consider me unenlightened I guess.

Seriously though, we don’t hold it against you Andy. I mean, how else would we know how Brokeback Mountain ends?


“PLEASE EXPLAIN YOUR OWN METHODS”

This ought to do it:



And with that, I’m done. I think I have stated my case forcefully and convincingly. Besides, my blog will not become a running smack-fest between the two of us so you can have the last words.
Fag.

With chicken legs.

Olympics update

If they made "making fun of Andy" an Olympic sport, I would medal.

If they made "gargling scrotum" an Olympic sport, Andy would medal too.

And Oscar, before you start talking trash too - how's Losman working out for you guys?

ANDY FUCKS DUDES! ANDY FUCKS DUDES!

There, now that I have everyone’s attention I want to point something out to everyone: yes Andy does indeed favor sexual relations with other men BUT he is also the mental equivalent of the Down’s Syndrome kid that they put on my dad’s tee-ball team.

A quick derail though – this post was originally going to be about how dumb the Winter Olympics are. I mean, c’mon… I understand the Summer Olympics: boxing, wrestling, basketball… stuff like that. Sprinting? A bunch of people line up, haul ass and whoever finishes first wins. Simple, right? The Winter games? What the hell is with short track speed skating? Curling? The biathlon? ICE DANCING? Maybe it’s because I’m from the desert but on the whole, none of it makes a lick of sense to me. Am I still watching? You bet your ass I am. Why, you may ask? Because I’m rooting for my country, that’s why. The only Winter athletes I’ve even heard of have blown ass so far (I’m looking at you Bode Miller. And you Apolo Ohno) but it could be the US v. Trinidad and Tobago in competitive basket weaving and I’m still going to cheer my ass off for the US.

And a tangent to my tangent: how stringent are the entry standards for becoming a Winter Olympian? I watched the race before Ohno ate a shit burger and some dude from a country I forgot finished last in that particular race. That, in and of itself, is not noteworthy because some dude finishes last in all the races. But I mean this guy finished LAST. The other racers were already showered, changed and enjoying beers in the Olympic Village pub by the time this guy finished up. So I was thinking, “hell, I’d like to compete in the Winter Olympics!” I don’t know about you, but I think Burkina Faso could use an entrant in the speed skating event. I could gain dual citizenship, train with the Burkina Faso Olympics committee (i.e. by myself) and compete. How much would that rule?!

Anyway, back to the Andy bashing. I would have remained blissfully unaware of his trash talking had the dumbass not called me to brag about it. So I check the comments from my Pro Bowl post and he’s talking crap about Big Ben.

Number one: don’t do this. Ben is possibly the greatest person who has ever lived. I mean, no one remembers who wrote War and Peace*; no one remembers who painted the Mona Lisa*; no one knows who cured polio*. But you damn well better know who the hell Ben Roethlisberger is. Why? Because he’s the best.

Number two: Andy claims the TEAM was responsible for Big Ben’s record. This is slippery logic because football is the very DEFINITION of a team sport. If Jesus was quarterbacking the Arizona School for the Deaf and Blind, they still aren’t winning any Super Bowls. So yes, Andy – the team won the games. You are ignoring, however, the radical change in the Steelers’ demeanor and ability when Big Ben is at the controls. Consider that last year, the 15-1 regular season year, the Steelers only played two games that Roethlisberger didn’t start. Those games were the Raiders in the season opener and the Ravens in the second game. The Steelers barely won against the Raiders (at Heinz Field) with a field goal that came with under ten seconds left on the game clock. The freakin’ Raiders!! The Ravens was a relatively lopsided defeat. Big Ben starts every game after that and they don’t lose again until the AFC Championship. Obviously a coincidence, right you fucking dunderhead? Also consider that the Steelers were (with much of the same personnel, excepting Roethlisberger) a 6-10 team the year before.

One must also keep in mind that the games that Big Ben played poorly in were bad news for the Steelers. Bad game against the Jets in the playoffs? Narrow victory in overtime. Bad game against the Patriots in the AFC Championship? Steelers lose. Let’s also not forget the games that Roethlisberger damn near won all by himself that season: the Dallas game and the Jacksonville game (both on the road).

This season was more of the same. When Big Ben suffered with thumb and knee injuries, the team stumbled. When Big Ben was healthy and playing well, the team won out the rest of the regular season to make the playoff and then beats the number 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the conference (on the road) in the playoffs. This is simply too much to be coincidence. Is Ben as good a pure passer as Manning? No. Is he as calm under fire as Brady? Not really. Is he as mobile a quarterback as Vick? Nope. Is he enough of all those things to take a team within one game of the Super Bowl in his rookie season and then win the Super Bowl in his second season? (checks results from 2005 and 2006) Yeah, I think so.

Actually, forget all the stuff I just typed and ask yourself one simple question? Do the Steelers go 15-1 in 2005 and win the Super Bowl in 2006 with Tommy Maddox as the QB?

Mmm hmm.

Now, my friend, will you kindly shut your cockholster?

PS – Andy writes in his comment “YOUR STUPID.” And to that I respond: my stupid what? I don’t understand the question/comment. Oohhhh… did you mean, “you’re stupid?” Because, you know… that would actually make sense. You see, my public school educated friend: “your” indicates possession and “you’re” is the contraction for the words “you are.” I’m guessing that’s what you meant to say.

Who’s the real asshole here?

(note: items marked with asterisks “*” are obviously jokes. I’m guessing history will remember those dudes too.)

Pro Bowl Notes

Look… my feelings on Michael Vick are pretty well known: awesome athlete but less than average quarterback. Nevertheless, I was prepared to watch the Pro Bowl and simply enjoy the stars doing their thing. That is, until Joe Theisman opened his word hole to fellate Vick.

“Blah blah blah unfair criticism, blah blah blah Ron Mexico can give me herpes any day of the week and twice on Sundays, blah blah blah all this guy does is win games.”

That last part was what fired me up. I have a stance on this, namely: WHAT’S MICHAEL VICK EVER FUCKING WON!?

I wrote before about Atlanta having a solid defense and the best rushing attack in pro football. What part of the football equation is missing? A passing game – and that starts with Vick!

Anyway, I decided to watch him with a more critical eye. What did I see? He threw a ridiculously stupid pass up for grabs as he was getting sacked. It ended up being a completion but that had everything to do with Larry Fitzgerald and nothing at all to do with Vick. He’s just lucky the pass wasn’t intercepted. Later on he threw another dumb pass from outside the left hash mark back toward the middle of the endzone where he was lucky again not to have the pass intercepted. Incompletion. Then he overthrew an open receiver and the pass was intercepted. Then he overthrew an open Steve Smith. Then he overthrew an open Tory Holt. Then he threw a touchdown to Alge Crumpler but even THAT was a shitty pass. Crumpler made an awesome play to reach behind him and tip the ball to himself so he could actually bring it in.

One of the things Vick’s defenders say is that he doesn’t have a great go-to wide receiver. Today he was playing with the best in the league and he still made shitty decisions and threw wildly inaccurate passes. It’s an exhibition game so you can’t really take too much away from watching it, but jeez… a shitty passing QB is a shitty passing QB and all the slick marketing in the world can’t change that.

One other thing I noticed: Peyton Manning was twice in a position to make a tackle after throwing a pick and Trent Green was in a similar position once after an interception of his own. What did I learn? Neither of them are as good a tackler as Big Ben (who, by the way, is 5-1 in playoff games – including a Super Bowl – and had a 14-0 start to his regular season career. THAT’S what winning games is…)!

So I don't know if you've heard or not...

So it's been a few days now and, yes... the Steelers are still Super Bowl champions. I guess it still hasn't really sunk in all the way but the afterglow lingers. Still though, the chirping about the refereeing from the Seattle fans and my dumbass friends trying to take the luster off the Super Bowl victory deserves a response. Not by me though, as any response from me would involve ranting, swearing and foaming at the mouth. I'm talking about opinions expressed by legitimate sports writers like Gene Wojciechowski who writes:

"Sorry, but Seahawks receiver Darrell Jackson pushed off in the end zone. Did it gain him an advantage? Maybe. Maybe not. All that matters is that the official standing nearby -- a lot closer than John Madden, you or me -- thought so. Instead of a touchdown, Seattle settled for a 3-0 first quarter lead.

Sorry, but Roethlisberger might have broken the plane of the goal line on his second quarter 1-yard TD dive. Or not. That's what matters, right? Not where he landed, but if the ball broke the plane? The play was reviewed and upheld. What else was anyone supposed to do? And while there are no guarantees, if the ball had been spotted just short of the goal line, the Steelers were 100 percent on fourth-and-goals this season.

Sorry, I truly don't know whether Sean Locklear held Clark Haggans on that key fourth quarter call. Even if he didn't, and it was first-and-goal from the Pittsburgh 1, then what? If you can't guarantee Pittsburgh's scoring on fourth-and-inches in the second quarter, you can't guarantee Seattle's scoring on first-and-goal from the 1. Why? Because funny things happen, like the Bettis fumble against Indy. Or Roethlisberger's underthrowing a wide-open Cedrick Wilson against Seattle, costing the Steelers a sure touchdown or a likely field goal (the ball was at the Seahawks' 7). Instead, Kelly Herndon intercepted the crummy pass, returned it 76 yards and Seattle scored three plays later.

No one can deny there were questionable calls during the game. But before Holmgren and Latte Nation start whining about playing "the guys in the striped shirts as well,'' perhaps a history lesson is in order.

The striped shirts didn't cause tight end Jerramy Stevens to drop four passes. The striped shirts didn't cause the Seahawks defense to give up a Steelers first down on a third-and-28 situation (which later led to the Roethlisberger disputed TD). The striped shirts didn't cause the Seahawks defense to give up the longest touchdown run in Super Bowl history. They also didn't cause Etric Pruitt to sprint up from his safety position, only to be fooled by the trick play that resulted in Randle El's 43-yard TD pass to Ward (and by the way, if everyone knows the Steelers like to run gadget plays near midfield, don't you think the Seahawks knew it too?). Or cause Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck to throw a killer interception with nearly 11 minutes left in the game and Seattle trailing by only four points.

Enough already with the whining. The Seahawks had their chances. Plenty of them to overcome the Steelers and, if they insist, the refs, too.Holmgren, who didn't exactly distinguish himself in the waning minutes of both halves, is no doubt suffering some post-Super Bowl anger. Perfectly understandable, especially in front of the thousands who greeted the team upon its return to Seattle. But days, weeks, months from now, when he's able to think more clearly, he'll realize the only people to blame for the loss were wearing Seahawks metallic blue, not black and white."

Or a couple of things from TMQ himself, Gregg Easterbrook:

"Four of the six big officiating decisions went against Seattle. Does this mean a pro-Steelers bias, as some in the sports yak world are saying, or perhaps a slap at Mike Holmgren by the officiating guild? (Holmgren ripped the officials after the Giants-Seahawks contest; conspiracy theory says the zebras were seeking vengeance.) The two decisions that favored the Hawks were the fourth-quarter replay reversal that gave possession, initially awarded to Pittsburgh, back to Seattle; and the no-call of a block in the back by Seattle during Kelly Herndon's record interception return. Of the four big decisions that favored the Steelers, two seemed correct to me. On the offensive pass interference nullifying Seattle's first touchdown, Darrell Jackson pushed off with the ball in the air and gained advantage by doing so. Had the physics of the play been exactly the same, except Jackson a defender, television announcers would have been screaming, "Interference!" It's true, as some said, that Michael Irvin often got away with push-offs -- but he shouldn't have. And when Roethlisberger dove for Pittsburgh's first touchdown, at game speed I thought, "He didn't make it." But replays showed the tip of the ball above the goal line, and Rule 3, Section 38 reads, "A touchdown is the situation is which any part of the ball, legally in possession of a player inbounds, in on, above, or behind an opponent's goal line."

On the flip side, the holding penalty against Sean Locklear, nullifying what would have been a Seahawks' first-and-goal on the Pittsburgh 1 in the fourth quarter, seemed a bad call. On almost every Pittsburgh offensive play, a Steelers blocker grabbed as briefly as Locklear grabbed on the down in question; if it was illegal for one team, it should have been illegal for both teams. Owing to the dubious penalty, instead of first-and-goal, Seattle ended up throwing an interception on third-and-long. That interception undid the Seahawks, as they staged a 13-play, 81-yard drive that ended in no points, and undid the Super Bowl itself, converting what might have been a fabulous ending into a lackluster fourth quarter. Seattle faithful also have a legitimate complaint that the fourth-quarter 15-yard penalty on Hasselbeck for "low block" was inexplicable. The rulebook states that during a turnover, neither team may block below the waist. But Hasselbeck wasn't blocking -- he was making the tackle. Check the official Game Book, at 10:54 of the fourth quarter. The league's own Game Book credits Hasselbeck with the tackle on a play where the penalty could be valid only if Hasselbeck was not making a tackle!"

However, in his next column, TMQ added:

"Yesterday I wondered how Matt Hasselbeck could have been called for "low block" on the same play on which he was credited with a tackle. Andy Neidlinger of Wayne, Pa., was among many to note that in the Pittsburgh at Indianapolis regular-season game, Jeff Hartings of the Steelers was called for low block in the same situation. After an interception, he went low to get past a defender and take down the intercepting player, and was called for low block and credited with the tackle simultaneously. See the Game Book entry at 27 seconds in the second quarter. Jim Haywood adds Bill Leavy was the referee in both the Super Bowl and that game. The rule says that following a change of possession, neither team may block below the waist. On both penalties, Hasselbeck and Hartings made low contact with a defender for the intercepting team, then legally tackled the intercepting player."

Mmm hmm....

A cool statistic, also from TMQ: In succession Pittsburgh held the league's fourth-highest scoring team, Cincinnati, averaging 26.3 points, to 17 points; the league's second-highest scoring team, Indianapolis, averaging 27.4 points, to 18 points; the league's seventh-highest scoring team, Denver, averaging 24.7 points, to 17 points; the league's highest-scoring team, Seattle, averaging 28.2 points, to 10 points.

Great run to get into the playoffs, great run to get into the Super Bowl and, hell - I'll take any Super Bowl championship as it comes. Good times!

ONE FOR THE THUMB!!

The Steelers won Super Bowl XL and in a cool twist, Hines Ward won MVP honors. Fitting for a guy who wasn't under contract at the beginning of the season but still reported to camp because he had faith in a good organization. Not a bad reward, eh?

I can now say that I have met, talked to and received an autograph from a Super Bowl winning quarterback. The youngest ever Super Bowl winning QB in the history of the game, rookie of the year and all around bad-ass. Sure, Big Ben didn't have the greatest of games today but whatever. A Super Bowl win is a Supber Bowl win.

I'll have more to say on this a bit later - my first order of business is to celebrate! Good times.

Coolest kid EVER!

George Costanza - eat your heart out, someone's beaten you to the name "Seven." There's a part of me that wants to skull fuck these parents for being stupid.... but then there's another part of me that thinks, "holy shit, that rules!" The Big Ben is God movement rolls on. Full text of the story below:

Meet Seven and his mom, Stephenie Barber.

Seven was born Oct. 26, 2004, between Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger's fourth and fifth consecutive victories of his rookie season. Although Seven's parents -- who live in Indiana, Pa. -- are often asked whether they named their son after Mr. Roethlisberger, they were actually inspired by another Western Pennsylvania institution: After driving by an 84 Lumber sign, they "decided to go with something numerical," said Mrs. Barber.

When Seven watched his first game, however, the connection to Mr. Roethlisberger was instant. "We realized it was Seven and Seven," said his mother. "It became too cool."

Seven has never missed a Steelers' game, often carries his Terrible Towel with him from room to room and has been known to dance to the "Here We Go, Steelers" fight song. Although Seven had to settle for wearing an infant-sized Jerome Bettis jersey last season, this time around No. 7 Roethlisberger jerseys come in even the smallest of sizes.

His grandmother, Barbara Barber, has bought him Roethlisberger jerseys in every size up to a men's adult large, just in case they're no longer available when Seven grows into them.

"We buy him everything that has a seven," she said. "He's the perfect fan.