First Lesson: Protect Your Nuts

We have, courtesy of the BBC, a charming tale of a jilted lover who decided to take some poor dude’s nuts as a snack. “But Sivlitz,” you may say, “what is so dramatic about that?” And then I’d reply, “read the story, you fucking moron!” and give you a quick kick to the shins. But, to save the drama, what’s so dramatic about her eating his nuts isn’t that they were the Planters variety, they were his baby-makers. So yeah, it’s kind of a big deal.

Apparently Amanda Monti wanted to get horizontal with Geoffrey Jones and he rejected her, leading to the ballectomy. Overreaction much? Now… I’m certainly guilty of an overreaction or two myself. For example, I was carrying a CD this one time and it fell out of my grasp. I picked it up and it fell again. I picked it up a third time and it fell again so I smashed the bitch to the floor leaving the case in splinters. I showed that punk-ass CD who was boss! Then I had to find a new CD case, but that’s a small price to pay for my awesome rulehood of that misbehaving plastic.

And there was also the time that the neighbors wouldn’t stop making noise for five straight months so I killed them, cut off their finger tips and knocked out their teeth with a sledgehammer so they couldn’t be identified then dumped the rest of the stinking carcasses in acid. Actually, that didn’t happen but I was very close. If you assholes are reading this, you don’t know how lucky you are.


Anyway, back to the story. The BBC only gives the barebones version of events. Amanda and Geoff used to have a relationship and when it ended they remained on friendly terms (read: he still got to screw her without having to do all the boyfriend stuff that sucks. If the dude had a complete set, he’d be a role-model for us all…). However, that all changed five days ago when an argument erupted, leading Amanda to grab Geoff’s testicles and “pull hard.” The pull left Geoff completely naked, sans gonad and gave Amanda the hankerin’ for some Rocky Mountain Oyster. After trying to swallow his nut (Dude! She swallows! Why the hell are you breaking up with her in the first place?), Amanda choked and spit the wounded soldier back into her hand where a friend grabbed it and handed it back to Geoff. “That’s yours,” the friend said – hopefully while wearing surgical gloves.

I, naturally, have several questions about the events as they may have developed. I think, in a case like this, there’s no possible way I could have been a police officer on the scene. My professionalism would have gone straight out the window. First question: what the hell kind of pants was the guy wearing that would allow for such a violent tug on the danglies. Note to self – don’t buy these pants. Question 1a: what the hell was the guy wearing in general? After she pulled his nut off, he was left standing completely naked. Was he wearing Andre the Giant’s wrestling unitard? Or is he a cartoon character who can pull one garment off and remove his whole outfit?

Question two: did Amanda attempt to chew the ball or did she just go straight for the swallow. If she just tried to swallow it whole, I could have predicted failure for her. If Geoff’s nuts are anything like mine, they are roughly the size of a Mini Cooper. If she tried to chew, did the teste explode like a water balloon? What’s the consistency of human nads?

Question the third: what kind of world do we live in where we can put men on the moon, but we can’t reattach a ball that’s been yanked off? I demand the formation of a lobbying group and action committee that will work to suspend cancer research until this medical dilemma of prime importance is solved. In the meantime, I have begun a strenuous, Navy SEAL-like course for testicle defense. Just try it. I dare you.