People keep mentioning to me that it’s been so and so long since I’ve last updated this site. Well, shitheads, I’d like to have more time to humiliate myself in this space, but I work too damn much. I work too much to post things and I work too much to find time to embarrass myself. Fortunately, working doesn’t preclude natural body functions, so I still have some stories from work.
Take being hung over, for example. This isn’t a particularly long or even funny story, but I went into work after getting wasted the night before and found myself puking about every half hour on the dot. There isn’t much to get into here except to mention the challenges of puking in a tie. I damn near strangled myself from leaning over and chundering while the damn tie was choking me out. Not to mention trying to keep the tie out of the line of fire.
There was also the time I went to take a dump late at night while no one was at the airport. Since there wasn’t anyone around, I thought I didn’t need to be discreet. I walked back to the counter at work and assistant manager is laughing her ass off at me. We’d been busy for some time before that so I hadn’t had the chance to make a deposit in a while. On top of that, I’d been suffering from some gas attacks so when I had the chance to release it was, well… explosive. Unbeknownst to me, my assistant manager was next door in the women’s restroom. My anal trumpeting was loud enough to penetrate walls and rattle the stalls in the women’s restroom. She let me know that she overheard me doing the whole, “who does number 2 work for!?” routine.
The worst, however, was the time I actually wandered into the airport proper to find relief. I stopped into my usual restroom but two dudes were already in there. I came back to the counter but Norris told me of a restroom by baggage claim and he made it sound like Xanadu. It’s a family restroom but it only has capacity for one person at a time so it’s totally private. Of course, when I got there, some fucking asshole immigrant lady was collecting her bags and starting asking me a whole bunch of questions that I didn’t have answers to. She was literally blocking my way into the restroom. I chickened out and ducked into the regular restroom across the dividing wall. The situation looked ok, there wasn’t anyone else in there and it looked clean. I sat down to get to business and before too long I hear a dude and some rumbling. The dude was a janitor and the rumbling was him rolling his little garbage can and cleaning supply wagon across the tile floor. I hear him checking the sinks: no problem. I hear him open up the stall next to me to clean up: no problem. I hear him walk across my stall to the next one over and check it too: no problem. Then, suddenly, he pulls open my door. I’m there, pants around my ankles and all when I make eye contact with the idiot janitor who was too stupid to look for feet underneath the door. It was awkward. It was like a moment frozen in time. Finally, he mumbles an apology and walks away. Without closing the fucking stall door. I called after him, “hey! The door!!” but he bounced. I had to duck waddle over to the door to shut it again.
Fuck that dude. He’s probably writing he’s probably writing in his blog about the time he pulled open the door on some dude who was shitting.
