Sometimes you get what you ask for

One time when we were kids, Kevin was playing with a PVC pipe. He has a section of it and bent it into a triangle shape. Of course, this was not its natural state and the pipe sought to return to its natural state. Kevin realized this but, rather than simply unfolding the pipe, he thought it best to fling the pipe away from him and let it violently spring back into place. And events worked out exactly as he had planned.

Except for the fact that the pipe unfolded itself directly into the side of his stupid head.

Even funnier, it drew blood, he panicked and then started screaming for his sister (which he did whenever a crisis presented itself).

One might be tempted to feel sorry for Kevin except for these two mitigating facts: it was Kevin and Kevin deserves no pity and second – what the fuck else was going to happen? How can you feel sorry for someone when the consequences of their actions are plain to see, yet they do it anyway? It’s like a kid teasing a dog. Do you feel sorry for them when the dog snaps at them? No, you say, “that’s what you get you little shithead.” Or a kid jumping on the bed after you’ve warned them not to. When they crack their egg, you say, “what do you want me to do about it, retard?”

Anyhow, there is a much larger and much funnier example of this from recent news reports. It concerns, what else? a fucking hippy retard.

The BBC reports the story of a woman who, in a bid to promote world peace, decided to hitchhike from Italy to Israel. She wanted to show that she could put her trust in the kindness of strangers.

Her naked, murdered body was found in northern Turkey recently.

Now, I’m not a complete asshole, so I’m not going to gloat (too much). I’m simply going to ask: was anyone surprised by the conclusion of her little adventure? Of course not! Anybody with sense would know better than to do what she was doing. Trusting every stranger, especially in such friendly territories as northern Turkey, is about as wise as teasing strange dogs and hoping they don’t bite or bending pipes and hoping they don’t pop a hole in your dome. Only those things don't have murderous consequences.

The hitchhiker’s sister had this to say, “Her travels were for an artistic performance and to give a message of peace and trust, but not everyone deserves trust.”

Um… welcome to what everyone else already knew, jackass. Welcome to the real world. How does it feel outside that idealistic liberal bubble?

The left is ugly. No, seriously...

I saw an article in the BBC a while back that had me in stitches. The Europeans that hate us so much have, in the last elections, put pro-American (or at least more pro-American than their competition) leaders in power: Angela Merkel in German, Nikolas Sarkozy in France and, most recently, Silvio Berlusconi in Italy.

In any event, shortly before the elections, Berlusconi was quoted as saying that when he looked around the parliament, the right-wing women were more beautiful than their left-wing counterparts. “The left has no taste, even when it comes to women,” he said.

I had to laugh at the sheer outrageousness of the statement and once the giggles subsided, I decided to do some research. I’ll be damned if the evidence doesn’t back him up. Mind you, I only researched women involved in politics to some degree, not just airhead celebrities. Nevertheless, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

We’ll start with the liberals first. Kind of like how when you have good news and bad news, you go for the bad news first, I wanted to get this out of the way as it’s a brutal sight. Clockwise from top left: Madeline Albright, Janet Reno, Helen Thomas, Theresa Heinz Kerry and Hillary Clinton.



Now the conservatives, again, clockwise from top left: Mary Katherine Ham, Laura Bush, Amanda Carpenter, Laura Ingraham and Michelle Malkin.



You make the call.

Asshole Addendum

There’s one more group of assholes that have been pissing me off lately. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me, but that group is liberals. The thing that’s gotten me fired up lately is the organized protest against the Olympic torch. Umm, what exactly is this supposed to accomplish?

To be honest, I have no problem whatsoever with people lining up and protesting the torch. I think it’s stupid, but it’s a protected right (at least here in the US). My problem starts when the protesters actively seek to impede the torch bearer or extinguish the torch itself. In non-legal terms, the right of freedom of expression can basically be summed up as “you’re free to do and say what you want until you start to fuck with other people.” Rest assured – if I were a torch bearer and some assholes started up with me, I would consider that being fucked with, and some smelly hippy dickface would end up with a face full of torch and his patchouli soaked dreads aflame.

But think for a second: imagine you care enough to protest the torch (god… even typing that makes me feel dumb. “Hey Jimmy, what are you doing today?” “I’m protesting the Olympic Torch!” “Huh?”). So anyway, imagine you care enough to protest the torch. You run alongside it, and you succeed! You put the flame out! What exactly have you accomplished? Are the Tibetans suddenly freed because the flame went out? No. So what have you done? Absolutely nothing. And that just about sums up liberalism in a nutshell: it’s not about results, it’s about showing you care. It’s about making a symbolic stand, regardless of how pointless it may be.

There’s something else about the whole backbone of the issue though. The Tibetans. Free Tibet? No. Fuck Tibet. You see, the smelly asshole that screams “Free Tibet” is the same smelly asshole that screams, “No Blood for Oil,” or “Stop American Imperialism,” or “It’ll be a great day when schools are fully funded and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber!” and generally shows disdain for the Armed Forces of the USA. He’s the same smelly asshole that views pacifism as a virtue and will fight for nothing (unless you count pointlessly disrupting someone else’s shit when no real danger is present “fighting”). What he doesn’t understand is that Tibet is his future if his anti-military agenda is ever realized. If there’s nothing for which you will fight, you will be enslaved.

Fuck Tibet. Let them raise a military and free themselves.

You’re an asshole.

I just thought I’d compile a quick list of assholes that have been bothering me lately. Mind you, this is not a comprehensive list – this is just a few that have been bothering me lately.



1. Lute Olson – Yeah, yeah… you’re a Hall of Fame coach. And you turned around a UA program that was shit before you and made it a perennial power. This season, however, has been a testament to smug assholery on the silver fox’s part. First of all, the timing of the announcement that he would be taking a leave of absence. If you don’t remember, it was ten minutes before the UA’s pre-season opener. Ten minutes before there was a game to play. On top of that, the announcement came from a press agency – not by telling the players, coaches, and school officials directly.

Then there was the season itself. He left Kevin O’Neill a pretty bare cupboard (Bayless was good, Wise, Budinger and Hill were better than average and everyone else pretty much sucked) and dumped the shitstorm in someone else’s lap. If that weren’t enough, he had private meetings with players, seemingly seeking to undermine O’Neill’s authority. On top of that, he announced his return just as the UA was preparing for the tournament. “Hey guys, need an unnecessary bullshit distraction? No? Well you’re going to get one anyway...”

Then there was his post-return announcement behavior and another chickenshit press conference that neither the UA President nor Athletic Director were invited to, as if to drive the point home that Olson was in charge, rather than those who are, you know… in charge. Then he mentioned that O’Neill wouldn’t be returning to the team next year, which was news to O’Neill, Livengood and Shelton alike.

Then there are his irritating fanboys. They say Lute is a class act. Ask Jim Rosborough what a class act Lute Olson is. Ask O’Neill what a class act he is. I’m sure both Shelton and Livengood have opinions on this as well.

His fanboys also seem to think that the messiah’s return will right the ship. They seem to forget that Arizona struggled to a 20-win season and tournament appearance last year too. Olson was fully in charge and there was no O’Neill to blame it on. Look at our recent tournament appearances in total. A whole lost of first and second round exits lately (minus an Elite Eight appearance three or four seasons ago).

Lute’s been a great coach, but Bobby Knight has taught us that you can be a great coach and a cockbag at the same time.

2. Enterprise customer – Look dude… if you’re asking what you need to rent a Corvette or Expedition or 300 or something similar, you don’t qualify.

On top of that, we’re not trying to screw you. We’re going to try to get as much money out of you as possible, but generally not through nefarious means.

Exhibit A: We had a customer that I helped recently participate in a random survey that said he was “completely dissatisfied” with our/my service. There’s some background required here, so bear with me. If you fly into the Tucson Airport, you must pay the Airport Access tax. It’s hefty and those that fly often enough know about it and try to get around it. But here’s the thing: you CANNOT fly into TIA, take a taxi to our branch and avoid the tax. If we don’t charge you for using the airports facilities (runways, baggage services, etc.) and we get caught, we get severely fined. Like $50,000 at a pop. Our upper management dudes recently rained down a shitstorm on us for this very thing.

Second of all, if you book a car through the internet, that’s the price you’re going to pay. Don’t try to get additional discounts or upgrades at the counter. The internet rate is already the best rate – better than if you called us directly. It’s how the company is trying to grow its internet business. Internet rates, generally, are not negotiable anymore.

So back to our “completely dissatisfied” customer. This is the tale of poor customer service. He flew into the Airport and still had his bags with him when he arrived at our branch.

I waived the Airport tax for him

He booked on the internet.

I tried to get a better rate for him. I tried his corporate rate. Not better. I tried another professional membership that he had that also has corporate rates. Not better either, but I fucking tried. On top of that, I gave him a AAA discount which is 5% of his rate.

Then I gave him two free upgrades, from an economy class car (which he booked because he’s a cheap bastard fuck) into an intermediate car.

So when I finally put him in the car and was recording the fuel level and mileage, I noted that there was half a tank in the car. He said, “actually, it’s under half” so I took a look and, yes, the tank was at about 49/100ths of a tank. I shook my head in disbelief and he got all indignant with me, “what was that for!? Blah, blah, blah…”

Dude… I HOOKED you up. I bent over backward to NOT fuck you, and you’re going to jerk me around over a teaspoon full of gas?

That was poor customer service. Perhaps I shouldn’t have shaken my head at him. But next time he comes, he’ll get killed with kindness. He just won’t have his taxes waived, he’ll get put into the shittiest car on the lot and I’ll tell him (nicely) to stick his AAA card up his ass.

Fuck that dude.

Sad thing is, there are lots and lots and lots of people just like him.

3. Capt. John Miller from Saving Private Ryan – “What?” you say, “he’s not an asshole!” I beg to differ. You’re right about him not being an asshole for 95% of the movie or so.

[Disclaimer Alert: if you haven’t seen the movie, you’re a communist asshole and shouldn’t read any further]

What he says to Ryan as he’s dying is pure bullshit though. “Earn this”? Seriously? Ryan was just a soldier, and a damn good one as they portrayed him in the final battle. He didn’t ask for your squad to save his ass because, oh… ALL OF HIS FUCKING BROTHERS WERE ALREADY KILLED. Granted, you may have a legitimate beef with being sent out on that mission. It may have been unfair to you and your troops, but Ryan had nothing whatsoever to do with that decision. Why burden him with those words? They clearly weighed on him 60 fucking years later. Asshole.