God exists part II…

…and apparently he has a sense of humor. In a world where he is becoming less and less necessary, less and less relevant (well… unless you count those what would blow themselves and others up and/or commit other atrocities in his name), he still finds time to do something like this.

Imagine the thought process if you were him: “Ha! I see them down there on bended knee paying tribute to me, giving thanks and praise for all the good fortune that comes their way and assigning none of the blame when shit goes sour.”

“I do believe that is the perfect time and place for a lightening bolt!” ZAP!!

Mexican peasant children: thou hath been smote!

In de FACE!!

I don't know the story behind this, I just know one lady was hella pissed off...

How could I have been so foolish?

This whole time I’ve been on a bit of a crusade against god and, in particular, organized religion.

At last, however, we have definitive, conclusive and undisputable proof of the existence of god. How could I have been so blind?

I don't think I'm going to the Tool concert...

Two tickets for $600? A single ticket for $425? Maybe I'll have to catch Tool another time...

Strip Poker

Check this out: I found an online strip poker game here.

I've only won once though.

Sort of...

Another train mishap

Just last month I wrote about the deaf chick that was smashed to pieces by an oncoming train. I was wondering why a deaf woman would distract herself in an area that is obviously wrought with danger.

Well, another idiot has gone and done it again. Unfortunately, this one survived. I say “unfortunately” because that means this jackass will recover and his stupid fucking genes stand a chance of perpetuating themselves and creating a new generation of future train wreck victims.

Still though, there is some good news to come out of his survival. Namely: the article below. Jesse Maggrah may be a complete moron but he is a very, very quotable moron. Every single one of his quotes is phenomenal comedy.

“Train bash survivor thanking metal gods

RED DEER -- The metal gods were smiling on Jesse Maggrah.

The 20-year-old man was walking beside railway tracks on Sunday, the Norwegian heavy metal band Gorgoroth cranked on his portable CD player, when he was hit by a freight train.

Maggrah said he did hear the blast of the train horn just before he was hit.

"I tried to jump out of the way, but I guess not in time," he said yesterday from his bed at Red Deer Regional Hospital Centre.

"It was just instant. I was just walking and then I was on the ground. I wasn't sure what happened. Then I saw the train stopping up ahead. I thought, 'Holy crap, dude, you just got hit by a train.' "

Police say the engineer and conductor on the northbound Canadian Pacific Railway train saw the man on the tracks several kilometres south of Red Deer. The crew blew the whistle and attempted to stop, but they were only able to slow the train to about 50 kmh before hitting him.

Maggrah was thrown four to five metres from the tracks. Stunned, he moved his arms and legs to check for damage.

"I knew I was alive, so that was good."

He has several broken ribs, one which is poking into a lung, his doctors have told him. Maggrah is also very sore and stiff, and is having trouble walking.

Maggrah said he didn't hear the train over his music and he didn't feel anything through the ground.

"Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them. Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel."

Police say no charges are pending against the man.”

--------------------------------------------------------

So let’s recap:

“I tried to jump out of the way, but I guess not in time.”

No shit?

“It was just instant. I was just walking and then I was on the ground. I wasn't sure what happened.”

Sherlock Holmes he is not. I’ll help you out with this one: you were walking along train tracks, you heard a train horn and tried to get out of the way and the next thing you know you are ass over teakettle and smashing into the ground. Does that clear things up?

“Then I saw the train stopping up ahead. I thought, 'Holy crap, dude, you just got hit by a train.'"

Bingo! Like, WHOA!

"I knew I was alive, so that was good."

Well…

"Maybe the metal gods above were smiling on me and they didn't want one of their true warriors to die on them. Otherwise, I'd be up there in the kingdom of steel."

What. The. Fuck.

Metal gods? True warrior? KINGDOM OF STEEL?

Strip club rants

Some stripper posted a rant on Craigslist and I read in with some bemusement. Who knew strippers could write? That was the first shock for me. After reading the list, however, I can kinda see where she’s coming from on a few of these points. I mean, try to put yourself in her shoes: imagine that you’re a no talent shit for brains that was abused by your daddy. You need money to support your drug habit but you have no marketable skill. You do, however, have titties. What career path seems most open to you? That leads to the second shocking thing about her post: who knew whoring yourself out for money could make one so bitter?

Still though, there were some highlights, for example:

“You losers that come into the club for a lap dance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.”

I personally thought that was somewhat clever. I know a guy that would do exactly that. Who would have thought that the strippers actually disapproved of this tactic? I mean, if you’re a stripper – where do you draw the line? Does the line of thinking go, “Ok, I’ll take my clothes off. I’ll dance naked in your lap. No – it’s not a problem that you look like the goonie Sloth. I don’t mind if you pop a boner neither. But goddamit! NO NYLON SHORTS!! THAT SHIT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!” Is that the way it works? I need to know…

“Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.”

You hear that fellas? This time she has a point: she’s only acting like she’s interested in you because then you’ll pay for more dances from her. Otherwise she wants nothing to do with you. Unless you tell her you have cocaine. Then she won’t just fart your way, she’ll shit on your face. If you’re into that…

“Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.”

Hey now! Be fair! Some strippers look like John Candy in drag. You bet your ass I’m going to pretend I’m busy when you come around.

“Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.”

You hear me! I have standards you asshole!

“Hey DJ! You suck!"

Why? Why the random shot at the DJ? Why? He’s working hard for your money too. God knows it’s not easy playing stripper music, yelling out “C’mon, where my party people at?!” and calling up Ginger, Destiny and Angel up to the stage. Leave the DJ alone.

This makes me want to come up with my own strip club rant though:

1. Look in the mirror! If your face looks like it had acid spilled on it and then was cleaned up with broken glass, chances are I don’t want a dance from you. Go the fuck away already.
2. If I don’t invite you to sit on my lap, don’t expect me to pay for a dance from you. If you wasted two or three songs when you could have otherwise been earning, it ain’t my fucking fault.
3. No, I don’t want the $25 “super dance” for five minutes when I can get a three minute dance for $7. I can do math, that’s why I don’t have to resort to stripping to earn money.
4. Don’t be pissed when I fail to give you more than the minimum for a dance when you didn’t take your costume off until the song was 2/3rds over.
5. Corollary to point number one: If I’ve turned you down five times already, the sixth time isn’t going gonna do it either…
6. Your c-section scar is showing.
7. The catholic schoolgirl outfit isn’t as appealing when you’re pushing 40. You’re not fooling anyone.
8. If I give you a big bill *cough*20*cough,* I’m expecting the proper amount of change back. Any additional money I choose to tip or not tip is up to me. I know the score. You know the score. I’m a paying customer, that’s all.
9. Yes, I know you’re a nice girl who’s only doing this to put herself through college. For the past 15 years…
10. You will NOT complain when my friend shows up in nylon shorts. You’ve chosen your line of work, fucking deal with it.

Reminder

Tool's new record "10,000 Days" comes out next month. Word.

Meet Lee Paige

What’s the most embarrassing thing you could possibly do? I can’t think of anything definitive off the top of my head so let’s start with, say… shooting yourself during a gun safety demonstration. Especially after telling your audience that you are the only one in the room qualified to handle a firearm. That’s a good beginning.

Well, that’s exactly the case with Lee Paige, a Drug Enforcement Agency agent who shot himself in the foot during such a demonstration for Florida school children.

It gets better (well… worse actually). Now he is suing the government claiming that he’s become a laughingstock because of the video’s release. Well duh…

He does make somewhat of a valid point when he claims that the video’s distribution as the reason he can no longer work undercover. But still man, c’mon – no one told you to go and shoot your own self in the foot. There’s a good line at the end of the news report though: “He also notes that he is no longer ‘permitted or able to give educational motivational speeches and presentations.’” The hell you say…

I do give him credit for one thing though. He takes a gun shot wound to the foot like a champ. So that’s a feather in his cap…

Fuck you!

I have compiled this list for my own amusement. I’m not mad. Actually, I’m in a pretty good mood - I just need to blow off a little steam. So here goes:

Fuck you parking lot dude. Our offices are next to each other and you assholes park in all of our spaces. So today when I parked in front of your building because you pricks were in all the spaces in front of ours, you think that’s a good reason to give me shit? Gargle my sac…

Fuck you gas. You need to go down again. I’m sick of paying almost $40 to fill up my tank.

Fuck you Arizona Cardinals. Why’d you have to schedule the Steelers for the first time in ten years (to open your brand new stadium no less…) when I’m probably still going to be in Germany. FUCK YOU!!

Fuck you Vida Guerra. You’re not hot. Yeah, you have a bomb ass… but that’s really it. Your tit job is horrible; it looks like someone pulling Stretch Armstrong tight over a grapefruit. And your face? Two words: Down fucking syndrome. (the fucking is for emphasis).

Fuck you illegal immigrants. You want a better life, you want to actually earn money – we all understand that. The path to legal immigration is long and hard, we can sympathize with that too. But when you march to protest illegal immigration reform, when you march to be able to stay in this country DON’T DO IT WHILE WAVING THE FUCKING MEXICAN FLAG!! Where does your allegiance lie? If it’s not with the United States, then disappear…

Fuck you democrats. Fuck you for pretty much everything. Just because.

Fuck you bad parents (see below). Learn to watch over your kids and protect that so they don’t do things like crawl into little spaces they can’t get out of. On second thought, forget it. Let them crawl into a storm drain or something; they’ll only grow up to be a burden on society anyway.

Fuck you creationists. If you want to worship god, that’s your business. But don’t dumb down our schools with your garbage.

Fuck you Paulie Walnuts. Yeah, you’re a piece of shit by default but you’re REALLY a piece of shit if you leave your adoptive mother on the streets.

Fuck you Casino del Sol. “Wait a minute, I’m not in Vegas! I’m in Tucson!” Please. Anyone stupid enough to ever confuse these two cities needs a volley of bullets in the face.

And finally, fuck you Tucson. You’re actually not that bad, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you for a weekend in REAL Vegas.

The million dollar question

This is the third time. The THIRD TIME. Some stupid bastard kid crawls his retard ass into the claw toy machine and gets stuck. My first reaction is: if the kid can crawl in, why the hell can’t he crawl out. It’s like a cat that gets stuck up in a tree – JUMP FUCKER! There’s no need for the fireman to scoop your ass up.

In any event, I’m guessing that this scene was a funny one. I mean, imagine your at the bowling alley, or Walmart or whatever other fine establishment installs these things. Anyway, you see a living, breathing kid stomping around in there. Apparently it was funny enough for people to just stand around taking pictures of the kid. I would. I would also pump in some quarters and try to claw his ass out of the machine. That would rule! Wait, no it wouldn’t – kids suck.

But anyway – there’s one thing that gets lost in the whole ordeal. I mean, the kid had to work his way into the machine. That has to take some time. My question is this: where the fuck were the parents while this little shit was worming his way into the toy? Hmmm?

A whole new problem

In December I wrote how piss poorly the U.S. Soccer Federation handled World Cup ticket requests. Now I have a whole new problem.

After the USSF bungled the ticket requests, we (Bryan and I) received an email from them “congratulating” us on being awarded tickets to the U.S.’ second round games. For those of you not up speed with how the World Cup works, there’s no guarantee that your team will reach the second round. We were basically awarded tickets to games that might not exist.

Luckily for Bryan, his brother submitted a separate ticket application and was granted two tickets to all of the United States’ first round games. That meant Bryan was guaranteed tickets to essentially every game the U.S. could play but it also gave me new life. You see, Bryan’s brother indicated that he may not actually be able to make the trip to Germany and he was willing to sell his tickets to me in the event that he couldn’t go.

Well, last week I got a message from Bryan that stated his brother was 90% sure that he couldn’t go to for the tournament. That translated to a 90% chance that I would get the tickets. Good news for me, right?

As it turns out though, Bryan received a message from the USSF yesterday telling him that FIFA had granted a few extra tickets to U.S. fans. We were on the priority waiting list after having our initial request for the first round games denied. With the additional tickets though, that order is now fulfilled. In other words, I went from having no tickets to the U.S.’ first round games to having TWO sets of tickets to each game. Same thing for Bryan. If any one is interested in going to Germany to watch the U.S. play – we may be able to help you out with tickets.

Yeah, it could be a problem having more tickets than I need. But since I now possess tickets to all the U.S.’ World Cup games, it’s a problem I’m happy to have. WORD!!

Weird fucking baby!!

I don’t have a child yet. When the time comes though, I – like all parents – will hope that my child is born with ten fingers and toes and the rest of the standard issue equipment. Like a neck, for example. I will also hope that my child ISN’T born with, oh I don’t know… say, eyeballs that don’t fit into its head, a smashed up nose worthy of a 40-year boxing career and blubbery “duh!” lips.

Nir Bahadur Karki and Suntali Karki were not that fortunate. They gave birth to a mongoloid. You know how they say about ugly people, “they’ve got a face only a mother could love”? Well, there’s no quote from the mother, but the father didn’t even give a rat’s ass when his son died less than a half hour after its birth.

Residents of Charikot, Dolakha, Nepal did what anyone else would have done: they threw a parade. Hey! Toss that freakish baby in a water pan and let’s get down!

I, unlike the Nepalese, was not immediately moved to party upon seeing this anomaly. Quite frankly, I still don’t know whether to laugh or curl up in the fetal position, scoot myself into a corner and sob uncontrollably. I’m leaning toward option two. No matter what though, I. Can’t. Stop. Looking. At. It.

Genius

I don't even have the words for this.

I thought he'd be immortal...

I stumbled across David Bleak’s obituary and was floored. This dude is a Medal of Honor recipient which, by default, means he kicks a boatload of ass. In any event, nature was able to do what an army couldn’t: kill this man. It's a damn shame.

Bleak was a medic in the Korean War. A reconnaissance mission was scheduled and Bleak volunteered to go along in case shit went down. Well, shit did indeed go down. Here’s what happened that made him Medal of Honor worthy:

Bleak killed two of the enemy attackers with his bare hands. His bare fucking hands!! Now, maybe he choked them or something like that – I don’t know. But since I don’t know I’m just going to assume that he punched through their skulls with each fist like a comic book super hero.

Next, he killed another one of the attackers with his trench knife. He didn’t want to show off by punching completely through a third man’s head.

After that a grenade landed in his midst and he decided against eating it or crushing it into dust with his hands. Time was short so he shielded another man from the blast and saved his buddy’s life. Unfortunately he was wounded as was his comrade. Even point blank grenade blasts could only wound his leg. This is where things get crazy though: As he’s carrying his wounded mate down the hill on a bum leg, he was attacked again by two bayonet wielding enemies. Did he shoot them? Knife them? Punch them? Fuck no, he “grabbed them and smacked their heads together, then carried his helpless comrade down the hill to safety.” What!! Read that shit again. Done? Read it a third time.

HE CONKED THEIR HEADS TOGETHER LIKE MOE FROM THE THREE FUCKING STOOGES AND CONTINUED ON HIS WAY!!! WHOA!

A wise-guy eh? Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk – SMASH!!

A little respect please!

I was surfing the internet recently and stumbled across this picture. It made me say to myself, "hey... I graduated class of 2003 too and no one gave me any fucking balloons."I mean, yeah… I down played the whole event. Shit – I was too lazy to even attend the graduation ceremony. I slept through the damn thing (though honestly, wouldn’t you if Janet Napolitano was your commencement speaker?).

But I started to reflect back and I think I got the Rodney Dangerfield thing going: I got no respect. To top it off, I recently received a scolding from THE authority on all things success related: Danny. I had to defend myself by reminding him that he’s a go nowhere fuck up but that’s beside the point. WHERE ARE MY BALLOONS!

Wait, what’s that you say? The balloons in the picture look like a…

Jesus, grow up you guys.

(No – that’s not the reason I put up the picture. Not the reason at all. Seriously.)