Strip club rants

Some stripper posted a rant on Craigslist and I read in with some bemusement. Who knew strippers could write? That was the first shock for me. After reading the list, however, I can kinda see where she’s coming from on a few of these points. I mean, try to put yourself in her shoes: imagine that you’re a no talent shit for brains that was abused by your daddy. You need money to support your drug habit but you have no marketable skill. You do, however, have titties. What career path seems most open to you? That leads to the second shocking thing about her post: who knew whoring yourself out for money could make one so bitter?

Still though, there were some highlights, for example:

“You losers that come into the club for a lap dance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen ~ fine point)...fuck you.”

I personally thought that was somewhat clever. I know a guy that would do exactly that. Who would have thought that the strippers actually disapproved of this tactic? I mean, if you’re a stripper – where do you draw the line? Does the line of thinking go, “Ok, I’ll take my clothes off. I’ll dance naked in your lap. No – it’s not a problem that you look like the goonie Sloth. I don’t mind if you pop a boner neither. But goddamit! NO NYLON SHORTS!! THAT SHIT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!” Is that the way it works? I need to know…

“Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.”

You hear that fellas? This time she has a point: she’s only acting like she’s interested in you because then you’ll pay for more dances from her. Otherwise she wants nothing to do with you. Unless you tell her you have cocaine. Then she won’t just fart your way, she’ll shit on your face. If you’re into that…

“Boys, don't sit in the front row with your "homies" and act all engrossed in some deep conversation during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. It's a clear sign that you ain't getting any.”

Hey now! Be fair! Some strippers look like John Candy in drag. You bet your ass I’m going to pretend I’m busy when you come around.

“Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl at the bar with the black roots and overbite.”

You hear me! I have standards you asshole!

“Hey DJ! You suck!"

Why? Why the random shot at the DJ? Why? He’s working hard for your money too. God knows it’s not easy playing stripper music, yelling out “C’mon, where my party people at?!” and calling up Ginger, Destiny and Angel up to the stage. Leave the DJ alone.

This makes me want to come up with my own strip club rant though:

1. Look in the mirror! If your face looks like it had acid spilled on it and then was cleaned up with broken glass, chances are I don’t want a dance from you. Go the fuck away already.
2. If I don’t invite you to sit on my lap, don’t expect me to pay for a dance from you. If you wasted two or three songs when you could have otherwise been earning, it ain’t my fucking fault.
3. No, I don’t want the $25 “super dance” for five minutes when I can get a three minute dance for $7. I can do math, that’s why I don’t have to resort to stripping to earn money.
4. Don’t be pissed when I fail to give you more than the minimum for a dance when you didn’t take your costume off until the song was 2/3rds over.
5. Corollary to point number one: If I’ve turned you down five times already, the sixth time isn’t going gonna do it either…
6. Your c-section scar is showing.
7. The catholic schoolgirl outfit isn’t as appealing when you’re pushing 40. You’re not fooling anyone.
8. If I give you a big bill *cough*20*cough,* I’m expecting the proper amount of change back. Any additional money I choose to tip or not tip is up to me. I know the score. You know the score. I’m a paying customer, that’s all.
9. Yes, I know you’re a nice girl who’s only doing this to put herself through college. For the past 15 years…
10. You will NOT complain when my friend shows up in nylon shorts. You’ve chosen your line of work, fucking deal with it.