Oh! Umm.... yeah, this is awkward now...

Have you ever been chilling in your apartment when you suddenly heard the cries of a damsel in distress, so you grabbed your cavalry sword, bounded up the stairs, and kicked in the door of another apartment only to realize that the dude that lived there wasn't torturing a woman but WAS watching a porno really loudly?

James Van Iveren has.

70 years of pure awesome

There are many reasons I’m thankful for being an American. For example, we don’t say stupid shit like “trousers” when we mean “pants.” Some of the other differences I’ve run into while talking to my friends from across the pond are: We piss in a “YOO-rin-all” and they piss “yoo-RHEIN-all;” We crap in the stall and they crap in a cubicle; We use a crosswalk and they use a zebra crossing; We have intersections and they have pelican crossings; etc.

And that’s just the folk from the UK. Don’t get me started on the rest of the shithole world. Speaking of the shithole world, the latest reason to be proud of being American comes from Costa Rica.

Normally, old people have no use – that is, unless you count grinding them up and feeding them to the homeless. But this old-timer is an ass-kicker and it’s no surprise that he comes from the U.S. of A. Unfortunately we don’t know our hero’s name but we do know that he’s 70 and killed a 20 year-old Costa Rica with his bare hands.

A group of American tourists were driving around Costa Rica when one of the women was attacked by a group of armed robbers wearing ski masks. One dude ran up with a gun and the other two pulled out knifes. At this point, the grandpa climbed jumped out of the van they were traveling in and struggled with the gunman, put him a headlock, broke his collarbone and eventually killed him. The other two douchebags ran away instead of attacking a woman and a 70 year-old dude with their knives.

The dead guy, Warner Segura, is going to have a hard time living down the fact that he was owned by a pensioner. Oh wait…

Conservative Article Annals

Oy! I've started a new blog that you should check out. Europe is a leftist paradise and it's impossible to get ANYTHING from a conservative viewpoint so I've subscribed to some right-leaning RSS feeds and have been collecting articles that I think are interesting. So what does this have to do with a new blog? Well... I'm going to start sharing the articles.

I'll likely still have the odd rant or two on this site so don't think that's going completely away, you commie shitheads. The new site, however, will be (largely) free from my commentary. I plan on just posting good op-ed pieces as they originally appear so it'll be a good near-daily stop for y'all if you're interested in that kinda stuff. And you damn well should be.

The first post is already up and you really, really need to read the first article. You may have heard of the Lt. Daily but the LA Times did a good piece on him. In any event, get your asses over to The Conservative Article Annals (clunky title, I know, but it was available) and check it out. Give feedback too. I have an idea about what I want to do with this thing but if you have a good idea I'll check it out.

conservativearticleannals.blogspot.com

Eat your heart out, Ray Harryhausen

There isn't much to say about this video, you just have to watch it. A couple of dudes did a stop motion video and it kicks ass.

Fake Boobs!

I hate fake boobs but if this takes off, I'd be hella down with it.

How is this guy still alive?

Today’s post comes from espn.com, which is an absolute fucking abortion of a website. The only reason I still get news from them is that all other sports sites suck even worse. But I digress…

In any event, today’s story takes place in Illinois where a wrestling meet was taking place. As one boy was about to pin another boy, the losing kid’s father intervened by picking up the other boy and THROWING him out of the ring. He grabbed someone else’s child and fucking threw him. The whole incident was caught on videotape and I’m sure we’ll all being seeing this soon (well actually, YOU all will probably be seeing this soon as it probably won’t make any waves over here).

Ray Hoffman, the guy who threw the little kid, says he regrets his behavior and is embarrassed. You don’t say?

Dan Nasenbeny, the father of the throwee, tells us that, “there [are] a lot of different ways to stop a match. Not to pick up my son and launch him 5 feet, 10 feet in the air." Duly noted Dan. Dan, by the way, was the one who captured the whole incident on video tape.

I have a question: why the fuck is Ray Hoffman still alive? Maybe I’m a barbarian or something, but if I’m attending my son’s sporting event and another adult male picks my child up and throws – literally fucking throws – him anywhere, I would put the camera down and murder him. Period.

I have to say Ray Hoffman is the leading candidate for asshole of the year and, quite frankly, Dan Nasenbeny is leading candidate for dickless wimp of the year. I mean, what was he thinking when this was happenening? “Hmm… how quaint. That other man just saw fit to catapult my son into the third row. This is indeed odd…”

Violence solves problems Dan.

EDIT: I just found the video here. The kid doesn't get picked up and thown, but he does get a hefty shove that sends him flying. Still though, my point stands: the father of the kid that got ruled by that dude needs a testicle infusion procedure. Yeah, he is a big dude and crazy looking but a steel chair over the head WWF style takes care of that rickey-fuckin'-tick.

Infuriating, not heartwarming

I would like you to meet the dumbest human being on the planet. This woman took the wrong bus and it ended up getting her lost for 25 years. 25 FUCKING YEARS!

I don’t know what the person who wrote this article wanted to accomplish. I mean, yeah, this is definitely an interesting story and all but was the author aiming for a sympathetic response of something? If that’s the case, I just cannot feel sympathy for someone so incredibly stupid.

If you you’re too much of a shithead to click the link, the story is about a woman who wanted to go shopping, climbed on the wrong bus and got taken 700 miles out of the way. She’s old now, 76 according to the article, but that means she was only about 51 when the odyssey started. What kind of fuckhole 51 year old can’t figure out how to get on the right bus? So you climb on the wrong bus, that’s a relatively easy mistake to make, but to not get off until the fucking thing stops? I mean stops as in, “reaches its destination,” not stops as in “we’re traveling 700 fucking miles so let’s hit this rest stop to stretch our legs.” When your normally ten minute bus ride stretches into ten hours, you’re on the wrong fucking bus! Climb the fuck off!

So she gets to Bangkok realizes she’s a far way from home and gets on ANOTHER wrong bus. Great job there, numbnuts. Of course, the article points out that she speaks some regional dialect that no one else can speak. That’s may be well and good, but are you telling me that in 25 years, she wasn’t able to learn enough to put together a fucking sentence? A sentence like, oh… say, “I’m in the wrong fucking place, help me get home.” And it doesn’t take complete mastery of a language to find a map and point to the place you want to be. FUCK! This story pisses me off. Fuck that lady, I hope she dies soon.

I would be remiss…

F YOU mEXICO!

As Grant Wahl points out, the US is “7-0-1 with a sick 13-0 goal differential” against mexico in games played in the US since 2000. The mexicans still refuse to acknowledge our superiority, always blaming bad luck or some stupid bullshit for getting their holes kicked in again. Fuck them.

Also newsworthy is their punk attitude. Again, fuck them. Fuck them up their stupid asses. GO USA!!

This is getting ridiculous...

I’m watching handball right now. Next to curling, it’s probably the stupidest sport ever. How do you play? Well, there are two teams, and they run and try to throw a ball into the other team’s net. In that sense, it’s not that much different from soccer and hockey. The thing is, with those sports, you need to master a basic set of skills before you can even start to play the game: dribbling a ball with your feet is unnatural and difficult, as is handling a puck with a stick. I wouldn’t last a second against Ronaldinho or Peter Forsberg but I’m pretty sure I could play handball at a world-class level.

So why am I watching? Well… because Germany is in the world championship game and I can’t get away from it. Germans have rediscovered their sense of nationalism. Not patriotism, nationalism. It’s the same shitty phenomenon I wrote about during the World Cup when you had dipshits that couldn’t tell you a single player’s name or a single rule but they painted their faces and waved their flags with all their might. At least that was the world’s most popular sport though; this is a complete fucking farce of a sport and the hysteria here is at a ridiculous pitch. “Our Handball Heroes!!,” read the headlines in the paper. Hey Germany, IT’S FUCKING HANDBALL – NO ONE CARES.

I’ve thought about how Americans would react if the US was playing in the world championship game of handball and I can’t envision a scenario when one single person would give a monkey’s ass. We cheer for our national teams regardless of how ridiculous the sport is but don’t get swept up in the type of mania that’s surrounded this event. You would think the fate of nations rested on this game and if they lose, I guarantee the papers would have pictures of crying Germans and headlines like, “you’re our world champions of the heart” or some dumb bullshit like that.

So why do I even care at all? Because I fucking hate hypocrisy and I’m in the middle of a giant display of it. You see, Germany has had to live with the shame of what they did last time they felt proud to be German, namely: declaring themselves the master race and then putting 11 million people (give or take – genocide is kinda inexact like that) in ovens. Since then, they’ve held their noses in the air and shit on anyone else who’s proud of their country, calling them nationalist pigs and that kind of stuff. The French are nationalists, but they always have been so there’s a consistency there. Americans are patriotic bordering on nationalist but, again, we don’t crap all over other people that are proud of coming from wherever it is they come from. Germans do. But they’ve found an outlet for their nationalism, which is to say that it never went away in the first place. They call everyone else pigs while waiting for the German team to get good in soccer, handball, badminton, competitive pie eating or what the fuck ever, and then they break out the black, red and gold face paint and the flags and once again sing, “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!!” Not since they wore swastika armbands have Germans been so proud of being German. If ten percent of the people watching this game could name two handball team players, I’d take it a little easier. But since that’s not the case, fuck it, a spade is a spade and a nationalist hypocrite is a nationalist hypocrite.

My recompense

This thread from the Tucker Max message board is fucking gold. I doubt everyone has the same sense of humor as I do but if you're not dead there is some funny shit on here. Miss Nuclear Russia? Do yourself and take the time to read the whole thread, it's not as long as it looks. At least wait for Jesus and Lynndie England to make their appearances. Jesus made me laugh harder than I've laughed in a long time (keep in mind: I'm living in Germany and surrounded by Germans. Remember that Beck's commercial where the voice over says, "Germany: we don't do comedy - we do beer"? It's true. Very, very true).

ps - if you're retarded (and most of you are...) and need it spelled out to you, Jesus' dialog in the New Testament is always in red.