70 years of pure awesome

There are many reasons I’m thankful for being an American. For example, we don’t say stupid shit like “trousers” when we mean “pants.” Some of the other differences I’ve run into while talking to my friends from across the pond are: We piss in a “YOO-rin-all” and they piss “yoo-RHEIN-all;” We crap in the stall and they crap in a cubicle; We use a crosswalk and they use a zebra crossing; We have intersections and they have pelican crossings; etc.

And that’s just the folk from the UK. Don’t get me started on the rest of the shithole world. Speaking of the shithole world, the latest reason to be proud of being American comes from Costa Rica.

Normally, old people have no use – that is, unless you count grinding them up and feeding them to the homeless. But this old-timer is an ass-kicker and it’s no surprise that he comes from the U.S. of A. Unfortunately we don’t know our hero’s name but we do know that he’s 70 and killed a 20 year-old Costa Rica with his bare hands.

A group of American tourists were driving around Costa Rica when one of the women was attacked by a group of armed robbers wearing ski masks. One dude ran up with a gun and the other two pulled out knifes. At this point, the grandpa climbed jumped out of the van they were traveling in and struggled with the gunman, put him a headlock, broke his collarbone and eventually killed him. The other two douchebags ran away instead of attacking a woman and a 70 year-old dude with their knives.

The dead guy, Warner Segura, is going to have a hard time living down the fact that he was owned by a pensioner. Oh wait…