You’re an asshole.

I just thought I’d compile a quick list of assholes that have been bothering me lately. Mind you, this is not a comprehensive list – this is just a few that have been bothering me lately.



1. Lute Olson – Yeah, yeah… you’re a Hall of Fame coach. And you turned around a UA program that was shit before you and made it a perennial power. This season, however, has been a testament to smug assholery on the silver fox’s part. First of all, the timing of the announcement that he would be taking a leave of absence. If you don’t remember, it was ten minutes before the UA’s pre-season opener. Ten minutes before there was a game to play. On top of that, the announcement came from a press agency – not by telling the players, coaches, and school officials directly.

Then there was the season itself. He left Kevin O’Neill a pretty bare cupboard (Bayless was good, Wise, Budinger and Hill were better than average and everyone else pretty much sucked) and dumped the shitstorm in someone else’s lap. If that weren’t enough, he had private meetings with players, seemingly seeking to undermine O’Neill’s authority. On top of that, he announced his return just as the UA was preparing for the tournament. “Hey guys, need an unnecessary bullshit distraction? No? Well you’re going to get one anyway...”

Then there was his post-return announcement behavior and another chickenshit press conference that neither the UA President nor Athletic Director were invited to, as if to drive the point home that Olson was in charge, rather than those who are, you know… in charge. Then he mentioned that O’Neill wouldn’t be returning to the team next year, which was news to O’Neill, Livengood and Shelton alike.

Then there are his irritating fanboys. They say Lute is a class act. Ask Jim Rosborough what a class act Lute Olson is. Ask O’Neill what a class act he is. I’m sure both Shelton and Livengood have opinions on this as well.

His fanboys also seem to think that the messiah’s return will right the ship. They seem to forget that Arizona struggled to a 20-win season and tournament appearance last year too. Olson was fully in charge and there was no O’Neill to blame it on. Look at our recent tournament appearances in total. A whole lost of first and second round exits lately (minus an Elite Eight appearance three or four seasons ago).

Lute’s been a great coach, but Bobby Knight has taught us that you can be a great coach and a cockbag at the same time.

2. Enterprise customer – Look dude… if you’re asking what you need to rent a Corvette or Expedition or 300 or something similar, you don’t qualify.

On top of that, we’re not trying to screw you. We’re going to try to get as much money out of you as possible, but generally not through nefarious means.

Exhibit A: We had a customer that I helped recently participate in a random survey that said he was “completely dissatisfied” with our/my service. There’s some background required here, so bear with me. If you fly into the Tucson Airport, you must pay the Airport Access tax. It’s hefty and those that fly often enough know about it and try to get around it. But here’s the thing: you CANNOT fly into TIA, take a taxi to our branch and avoid the tax. If we don’t charge you for using the airports facilities (runways, baggage services, etc.) and we get caught, we get severely fined. Like $50,000 at a pop. Our upper management dudes recently rained down a shitstorm on us for this very thing.

Second of all, if you book a car through the internet, that’s the price you’re going to pay. Don’t try to get additional discounts or upgrades at the counter. The internet rate is already the best rate – better than if you called us directly. It’s how the company is trying to grow its internet business. Internet rates, generally, are not negotiable anymore.

So back to our “completely dissatisfied” customer. This is the tale of poor customer service. He flew into the Airport and still had his bags with him when he arrived at our branch.

I waived the Airport tax for him

He booked on the internet.

I tried to get a better rate for him. I tried his corporate rate. Not better. I tried another professional membership that he had that also has corporate rates. Not better either, but I fucking tried. On top of that, I gave him a AAA discount which is 5% of his rate.

Then I gave him two free upgrades, from an economy class car (which he booked because he’s a cheap bastard fuck) into an intermediate car.

So when I finally put him in the car and was recording the fuel level and mileage, I noted that there was half a tank in the car. He said, “actually, it’s under half” so I took a look and, yes, the tank was at about 49/100ths of a tank. I shook my head in disbelief and he got all indignant with me, “what was that for!? Blah, blah, blah…”

Dude… I HOOKED you up. I bent over backward to NOT fuck you, and you’re going to jerk me around over a teaspoon full of gas?

That was poor customer service. Perhaps I shouldn’t have shaken my head at him. But next time he comes, he’ll get killed with kindness. He just won’t have his taxes waived, he’ll get put into the shittiest car on the lot and I’ll tell him (nicely) to stick his AAA card up his ass.

Fuck that dude.

Sad thing is, there are lots and lots and lots of people just like him.

3. Capt. John Miller from Saving Private Ryan – “What?” you say, “he’s not an asshole!” I beg to differ. You’re right about him not being an asshole for 95% of the movie or so.

[Disclaimer Alert: if you haven’t seen the movie, you’re a communist asshole and shouldn’t read any further]

What he says to Ryan as he’s dying is pure bullshit though. “Earn this”? Seriously? Ryan was just a soldier, and a damn good one as they portrayed him in the final battle. He didn’t ask for your squad to save his ass because, oh… ALL OF HIS FUCKING BROTHERS WERE ALREADY KILLED. Granted, you may have a legitimate beef with being sent out on that mission. It may have been unfair to you and your troops, but Ryan had nothing whatsoever to do with that decision. Why burden him with those words? They clearly weighed on him 60 fucking years later. Asshole.