Kill yourself

Something about emo people pissed me off recently and I got to thinking about ways for them to kill themselves. Not just to talk about it or even to attempt one of those, “cry for help” suicides, but to actually do the deed.

As far as killing yourself goes, there are common methods people gravitate towards, and common mistakes that keep these shitbirds alive. So if you’re planning to slit your wrists, remember to cut down the length of your arm and not just across your wrists. A simple phrase to help you remember this is, “down the highway, not across the tracks.” If you plan on shooting yourself, fill your mouth with water, put a gun in your mouth and fire. That way, if you’re aim is off (think “Fight Club”), the shockwave from the water will kill you anyway. It would be cool if it’d explode your whole head, but that may not be the case, so don’t get your hopes up…

If you’re really hellbent on offing yourself, you could also try this dude’s method. He shows ten ways to kill yourself at once (it’s pretty amazing, watch for yourself. And no, it’s not real. But it’s an awesome way to go if you’re determined).

Me? I’d want to go out in a fun way. Perhaps I’d eat a whole bunch of coins, strap some C-4 to my body, jump from a high building and then detonate myself. Then people would get my guts rained down on them… along with some money. Kind of like a piñata. That’d be awesome.

The method I’m about to describe below, however, is possibly the coolest suicide you could ever imagine. If you decide to kill yourself and you want to use my method, please credit me in the suicide note. Here’s the step-by-step:

Step One:
Buy some piano wire, super glue, clown makeup (optional) and a length of rope.

Step Two:
Find a tall building – preferably one with an open foyer or lobby that you can jump down towards.

Step Three:
Tie the piano wire and rope to an anchor heavy enough to support your body weight, plus the jolt of your body coming to a very sudden stop. Make sure that your piano wire is SHORTER than your length of rope but still long enough to allow for some free-fall.

Step Four:
Paint your face with the clown makeup. Make sure you paint an obscenely happy face. This step is optional (but recommended).

Step Five:
Fashion a noose out of the end of the piano wire and tie it around your neck. Fashion a knot out of the end of the rope and tie it around your FEET.

Step Six:
Superglue one hand to the top of your head and wait a while for it to dry.

Step Seven:
Jump.

If you’ve done everything correctly, this is what should happen: you will free-fall for a while, building up momentum. The piano wire around your neck ought to sever your head before the rope around your feet actually stops your fall. After your fall stops, you should be dangling upside down with one hand holding your severed head (that’s what the super glue was for). If you opted for the clown makeup, your severed head will be smiling at everyone down in the foyer below.



Best. Suicide. Ever.