Warum kuschen wir vorm Islam?

That was the headline in one of the German tabloids today: Why are we letting Islam bully us? And a damn good question it is. Allow me to take a stab at it:

BECAUSE YOU’RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PUSSIES, THAT’S WHY!

I have to issue this disclaimer: I love many things about Germany. If that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t be here. On the other hand, I have never heard of a whole continent that has completely neutered itself the way Europe has. For an entire continent to willingly hand in their balls; it’s just something that I can’t understand.

The headline in question refers to a controversy that’s come up here. The opera program in Berlin included “Idomeneo,” a Mozart composition. The problem is, there’s a scene where Muhammad is symbolically beheaded along with Jesus and Buddha. Beheading Jesus and Buddha presents no problems. Beheading Muhammad does. So, in a move consistent with the type of thing you’d come to expect from the ball-less fags that infest this continent, “Idomeneo” was removed from the program out of fear of a Muslim call to violence.

It was left to Bild newspaper (which is viewed with some disdain here because it’s the rough equivalent of the National Enquirer) to basically ask, “Why do we gobble such an enormous amount of cock?”

There’s more though. I am in a lather about this because I also just got finished watching the news here. I missed the very beginning part so pardon me if the specifics aren’t precise but apparently N.A.T.O. has decided to expand its role in Afghanistan. That means that German troops are going to have to stay there for up to a year. Pardon me if I don’t feel too much sympathy for them since they’re based in the safe northern part of the country while my brother is about to be deployed for a year and a half tour in the part where shit actually goes down.

If that weren’t enough, however, the people here, the politicians here, and the talking heads here are crying their pretty little eyes out over the fact that – GASP – they might actually have to lift a finger to do something in the world. FUCK ME!! Some asshole commentator was lamenting the fact that there doesn’t seem to be a way for Germany to weasel out of this responsibility. DOUBLE FUCK!!

Here’s the deal assholes, since you seem to be too thick to grasp this: radical Islamists are trying to kill everyone that doesn’t agree with them. Take a look at the rubble that used to be the twin towers. Then take a look at the Madrid rail bombings. Then take a look at the bombings in Bali. Then take a look at the attacks in London. Then take a look at the attacks in Turkey. On top of that, only the ineptitude of people involved kept bombs from blowing up RIGHT HERE IN GERMANY. The “so-called War on Terror” (as the leftists like to call it…) is NOT just something that the U.S. faces. It is, therefore, something that we shouldn’t have to bear complete responsibility for. In other words, pitch in to saves yourselves, you fucking cunts!

The news report today and the headline in a tabloid offer a good summary of Europe’s stance. It boils down to this: we will bow down to the people who would kill us while avoiding any action to save ourselves and spitting on those would do the saving work for us.

And another thing...

Is it just me, or does Lopan look like Lionel Richie?

There is one

There is at least one (1) European man that isn’t a complete panty waste. His name is Arthur Abraham and he is from Berlin. Dude’s a boxer and had a fight this past weekend. At some point in the fourth round he suffered a double break to his jaw. He kept fighting, went the distance and actually earned a victory. Holy shit.

Respect.

Eddie Van Halen

I was dicking around on the web last night and stumbled across an mp3 of Eddie on the Howard Stern show a while back [audio here – abridged transcript here]. So what’s the grumpy old man up to now? Well, he’s still grumpy (he hates David Lee Roth, Sammy Hagar and NOW he hates Michael Anthony too…), he’s talking about another version of Van Halen with his 15 year-old son on bass and he’s cured cancer.

Seriously.

Apparently, after he found out he had tongue cancer, he founded his own pathology center and discovered a cure for cancer “that’s not exactly legal in this country.” Whatever, I’ll take that for what it’s worth.

The REALLY interesting news is that Eddie’s also doing porno music now. This is in no way, shape or form a joke or exaggeration. One of the greatest and most influential guitarists in the entire universe is now making porno music. Eddie has contacted Michael Ninn (Google him if you don’t know) and has done the soundtrack for a movie that’s basically “Braveheart with a comeshot.”

Those are Eddie’s words.

There’s a teaser for Eddies video here.

Something else that I’ve recently found out: apparently when he was really at his breaking point with David Lee Roth, Eddie contacted Gene Simmons and begged Gene to let him join KISS (KISS were having their own problems with Ace Frehley at the time). Whoa. Imagine how much different the world would be: the Berlin Wall would never have fallen, a giant meteor would have killed off human life on earth and then a black hole would have swallowed what was left of the planet and the whole galaxy. This, of course, is my own estimation of how things would have turned out but I have good reason to believe it would have gone down like this.

One thing though: how monumentally stupid do you have to be to turn down Eddie Van Halen as your guitar player so you can patch things up with Ace fuckin’ Frehley? Not that I’m complaining or anything…

Well, it’s official

According to this study, men are smarter than women. Women have, in the past, pointed to the fact that girls do better in school than boys but this research indicates that’s merely because girls mature a bit faster than boys. When you compare adult men and women, men’s brains are bigger and men score a rough average of 4 IQ points higher than women.

Of course, some bitter woman down in the comments section writes something to the effect of, “if men are smarter than women then why is the world in such a state?”

Is she referring to the world in which people with AIDS are living longer, healthier lives because of medical advancements; a world where communication across continents is instantaneous, an intercontinental journey is no longer measured in months or years and people (men, to be exact) have walked on the moon? That world?

Sour grapes, lady. Sour grapes.

That’s right, the motherf’n Pope, BITCHES!

So… what’d you do today? Really? That’s cool. What’d I do? I went to mass with the Pope. That’s what.

No worries, I’m still not a believer. It’s just that when you’re presented with the opportunity to go to a mass held by the Pope, you don’t turn down the opportunity.

I got back from the beer garden yesterday evening and settled on to the couch to watch Bayern Munich take on St. Pauli (and their American defenseman, Ian Joy) in a German Cup match. As the game kicked off, Kathi’s sister came in to tell me that her dad had an extra ticket to the Pope’s mass and was willing to hook me up as long as I was willing to stop by and pick the ticket up. Uh... done and done. He only lives down the street anyway so I ran over there at halftime, picked up the ticket and got back to the apartment in time to catch the second half kick-off. I got my ticket to the Pope and didn’t have to miss a second of soccer. Good times.

Re: the mass - The only challenge was getting there. As you can imagine, the Pope draws a crowd. The mass began at 10 a.m. and you had to be in your designated area by 9. But accounting for the crowds meant I had to be out the door by 7 a.m. By the time I got to the area where the mass was being held, I was but a drop in a sea of a quarter of a million people who’d also shown up. I made it to my section with nary a problem though.

The problems began when I underestimated the stupidity of the human species. Well, “problems” is a bit over-dramatic but I was annoyed to say the least. You were assigned to a general section but aside from that, it was general admission and standing room only. I found a spot that looked good and planted myself there only to be joined by some Asian ladies a short while later. Now, there was plenty of space for them to get comfortable but no, they seemed intent on violating my space. They kept slamming into me every time they moved. On top of that, the attendants started a soccer style “Be-ne-de-tto, clap-clap clap-clap-clap-clap” chant. At the Pope’s mass. THE POPE’S MASS!! On the plus side, some dude and his family settled to my left and the dude had the raddest mullet. He looked like a pederast. I have been led to believe that Catholics are against buggery in theory, if not in practice and the guy next to me just screamed “degenerate pervert.” Maybe it’s my inherent suspicion of people with mullets.

Aside from that the mass was pretty much as you could expect from a catholic service: ritual, guilt, colorful robes, guilt and a little cannibalism of the godhead. The Vatican has a kick-ass choir though.

All kidding and sarcasm aside, however, it was a great experience. I can now count myself among the folk that can say they’ve attended a mass held by the pope. Neat-o!

What is the definition of determined?

Or alternately, what is the definition of fucked up beyond repair?

What am I talking about? I’m talking about this news story. I mean, dudes do this all the time: they see a picture of a hot chick on the TV or in print somewhere and say, “damn, I’d like to meet her.” Very few of us have actually concocted a scheme to find the girl and ACTUALLY meet her. That’d be psychotic right?

Well Nicholas Grunke went above and beyond folks. He saw a picture of the girl he wanted and plotted to meet the object of his desire. The problem was, the picture he saw (he later found out) was an obituary picture. In other words, the woman he was planning to meet had just died. Did that stop Grunke? No fucking way! I’m guessing he was probably emboldened. I mean, what if he actually did meet the girl when she was alive and she wanted nothing to do with him? The dead offer less resistance than the living.

Grunke convinced his brother and a buddy to help him DIG HER GRAVE UP SO HE COULD HAVE SEX WITH HER DEAD BODY!!! I mean shit, I get that you wanted to meet the girl, but to not let her being dead derail your plans?

There are a couple of things that strike me about this report - aside from the obvious, that is. First, the report states that they stopped at a Wal-Mart to buy condoms before the deed. After all, safety is paramount when you’re defiling a person’s corpse. I mean, you wouldn’t want to risk getting her pregnant, right? And dead people are usually swimming with fungus, germs, bacteria and maggots. Can’t risk that either.

Second thing: those are some dedicated fucking friends. I want all of my friends, family and whoever the fuck else might read this to know that if you say to me, “You know… I could really go for some poontang but I’m looking for a sure thing. Let’s grab some jimmies and shovels and head off to the cemetery to dig up some hot ass!! Who’s with me?” I’m going to decline.

Just so you know.

NOOOOOO!!!

Steve Irwin, the "Crocodile Hunter" is dead. Crikey.

This is fuckin' bogus. Although, in all honesty, it was only a matter of time before someone whose career is to handle and taunt dangerous animals had their luck run out.

I particularly liked the episode where his wife was driving a truck that he was hanging off the side of. She got so involved in the chase that she drove the Crocodile Hunter into a tree and sent him tumbling off. One of the others had to tell her that she'd just ruined her own husband's shit. Good times.

That and he had a sweet fucking dog. Suwee or something like that.

R.I.P., dude.

Love Actually

So we stayed in and watched a movie last night. The choices were: The Firm, Butterfly Effect, Bridget Jones Diary and Love Actually. I presented the choices and hoped for the best.

I got the worst.

Love Actually, for those of you that haven’t seen it, would be called Bag Of Shit Actually if movie makers were forced to accurately title their films. The plot is summarized as follows: it’s a chick flick.

Now, I know you’re thinking, “Hey! That’s not a plot summary, dumbass!” but I beg to differ. I mean, have you actually seen a chick flick that was original and DIDN’T have the same plot? The entire genre goes like this:

ACT I

People meet and secretly fall in love with each other. Neither party knows the other party has the same feelings.

ACT II

Dispair. Some contrived plot twist leads us to believe that our star crossed lovers will never be together. Maybe one of them has to move to another country. Maybe one of them is in a terrible accident and everyone thinks they’re dead. This is the only part that actually differs in any chick flick; what will keep our heroes apart?

ACT III

Our lovers reunite and live happily every after. Tits.

“But Love Actually IS different,” Andy might be tempted to say. And of course, he’d be wrong. You see, it’s tempting to think that this movie hasn’t been done 47,000 times before because there are multiple plots running at the same time. Here are some examples:

The writer and his Portuguese maid – The writer is hurt after he finds his girlfriend cheating on him with his brother (now THAT’S never been done before…). He moves to France to work on his book in solitude and his only company is his maid. Of course, he secretly falls in love with the maid and she falls in love with him. Only they can’t tell each other because he doesn’t speak Portuguese and she doesn’t speak English. Then they go back to their respective families for the Christmas holidays (Oh – did I not mention that all of this takes place around Christmas?).

The dude, the dude’s best friend and the dude’s wife – Ok… dude and wife get married but dude’s best friend doesn’t like dude’s wife. Or so it seems. Truth is he’s secretly in love with her and pretending not to like her is his defense mechanism. Totally original.

The British Prime Minister and his dumpy servant – Hugh Grant (playing Hugh Grant) is the new Prime Minister and secretly falls in love with his catering servant who, in turn, is in love with him. True love knows no class boundaries!! He doesn’t allow himself to admit his feelings until the visiting President of the United States (who, of course, is a piece of shit – nothing like some good ol’ anti-Americanism) comes on to the servant.

Liam Neeson, his son and the girl his son likes – Liam Neeson’s wife has died. Her name was Joanna. His son has been mopey lately. It’s not because his mother is dead though, it’s because the son has fallen in love but the girl he loves doesn't even know he exists. True love knows no age limits!! The girl is also part black. True love is color blind!! Oh, and the girl he’s fallen in love with is named… Joanna. Liam Neeson has lost his one true love but mentions that perhaps he could find true love again with Claudia Schiffer.

Stand-in guy and stand-in girl – they’re stand-ins for a dirty movie. So they see each other naked all the time but they’re still shy around each other, even when they’re simulating butt-fucking and cock-gobbling. They shy because they love each other.

So how does all this end up? Well how do you fucking think? The writer ditches his family at Christmas to propose to the maid he’s known for 3 weeks but hasn’t spoken to because they don’t understand each other. She says yes.

The dude’s best friend confesses his love for dude’s wife and even though she doesn’t leave dude, she runs down the street to give the best friend a kiss on the cheek and smile at him. He’s happy.

Liam Neeson races his son to the airport to catch his love interest before she flies away. He catches her, tells her in so many words that he loves her and she knows his name and likes him too (remember - we had been led to believe she didn’t even know he existed). Liam Neeson, conveniently, meets Claudia Schiffer (playing a woman who looks like Claudia Schiffer) and they’re both in love within seconds of meeting each other.

Stand-in guy finally asks stand-in girl out for a coffee while they’re simulating yet another sexual scene and they finally kiss at the end of the movie.

Last but not least, the FUCKING PRIME MINISTER OF THE COUNTRY drives to the shitty part of town, knocks on every door until they find the right house, and arrives just in time to catch the dumpy servant and her family leaving for a school play. Of course, they go together and when the curtain rises for the play’s big finale, ooops! the Prime Minster and his commoner girlfriend are caught kissing backstage. Hilarity!!

There ARE two plots that don’t have the super happy endings but they’re wrapped up early and forgotten by the time the movie ends so we don’t have to deal with the inconvenience of knowing that things don't always end up like they would in a fairy tale.

Oh, I should mention that you shouldn’t have read any of the above if you cared about actually watching this movie. There are some spoilers. But then again, if you couldn’t figure out exactly how this movie ends within five seconds of it starting, you should drink the bleach underneath your kitchen sink and die.

Fuck this movie.