Love Actually

So we stayed in and watched a movie last night. The choices were: The Firm, Butterfly Effect, Bridget Jones Diary and Love Actually. I presented the choices and hoped for the best.

I got the worst.

Love Actually, for those of you that haven’t seen it, would be called Bag Of Shit Actually if movie makers were forced to accurately title their films. The plot is summarized as follows: it’s a chick flick.

Now, I know you’re thinking, “Hey! That’s not a plot summary, dumbass!” but I beg to differ. I mean, have you actually seen a chick flick that was original and DIDN’T have the same plot? The entire genre goes like this:

ACT I

People meet and secretly fall in love with each other. Neither party knows the other party has the same feelings.

ACT II

Dispair. Some contrived plot twist leads us to believe that our star crossed lovers will never be together. Maybe one of them has to move to another country. Maybe one of them is in a terrible accident and everyone thinks they’re dead. This is the only part that actually differs in any chick flick; what will keep our heroes apart?

ACT III

Our lovers reunite and live happily every after. Tits.

“But Love Actually IS different,” Andy might be tempted to say. And of course, he’d be wrong. You see, it’s tempting to think that this movie hasn’t been done 47,000 times before because there are multiple plots running at the same time. Here are some examples:

The writer and his Portuguese maid – The writer is hurt after he finds his girlfriend cheating on him with his brother (now THAT’S never been done before…). He moves to France to work on his book in solitude and his only company is his maid. Of course, he secretly falls in love with the maid and she falls in love with him. Only they can’t tell each other because he doesn’t speak Portuguese and she doesn’t speak English. Then they go back to their respective families for the Christmas holidays (Oh – did I not mention that all of this takes place around Christmas?).

The dude, the dude’s best friend and the dude’s wife – Ok… dude and wife get married but dude’s best friend doesn’t like dude’s wife. Or so it seems. Truth is he’s secretly in love with her and pretending not to like her is his defense mechanism. Totally original.

The British Prime Minister and his dumpy servant – Hugh Grant (playing Hugh Grant) is the new Prime Minister and secretly falls in love with his catering servant who, in turn, is in love with him. True love knows no class boundaries!! He doesn’t allow himself to admit his feelings until the visiting President of the United States (who, of course, is a piece of shit – nothing like some good ol’ anti-Americanism) comes on to the servant.

Liam Neeson, his son and the girl his son likes – Liam Neeson’s wife has died. Her name was Joanna. His son has been mopey lately. It’s not because his mother is dead though, it’s because the son has fallen in love but the girl he loves doesn't even know he exists. True love knows no age limits!! The girl is also part black. True love is color blind!! Oh, and the girl he’s fallen in love with is named… Joanna. Liam Neeson has lost his one true love but mentions that perhaps he could find true love again with Claudia Schiffer.

Stand-in guy and stand-in girl – they’re stand-ins for a dirty movie. So they see each other naked all the time but they’re still shy around each other, even when they’re simulating butt-fucking and cock-gobbling. They shy because they love each other.

So how does all this end up? Well how do you fucking think? The writer ditches his family at Christmas to propose to the maid he’s known for 3 weeks but hasn’t spoken to because they don’t understand each other. She says yes.

The dude’s best friend confesses his love for dude’s wife and even though she doesn’t leave dude, she runs down the street to give the best friend a kiss on the cheek and smile at him. He’s happy.

Liam Neeson races his son to the airport to catch his love interest before she flies away. He catches her, tells her in so many words that he loves her and she knows his name and likes him too (remember - we had been led to believe she didn’t even know he existed). Liam Neeson, conveniently, meets Claudia Schiffer (playing a woman who looks like Claudia Schiffer) and they’re both in love within seconds of meeting each other.

Stand-in guy finally asks stand-in girl out for a coffee while they’re simulating yet another sexual scene and they finally kiss at the end of the movie.

Last but not least, the FUCKING PRIME MINISTER OF THE COUNTRY drives to the shitty part of town, knocks on every door until they find the right house, and arrives just in time to catch the dumpy servant and her family leaving for a school play. Of course, they go together and when the curtain rises for the play’s big finale, ooops! the Prime Minster and his commoner girlfriend are caught kissing backstage. Hilarity!!

There ARE two plots that don’t have the super happy endings but they’re wrapped up early and forgotten by the time the movie ends so we don’t have to deal with the inconvenience of knowing that things don't always end up like they would in a fairy tale.

Oh, I should mention that you shouldn’t have read any of the above if you cared about actually watching this movie. There are some spoilers. But then again, if you couldn’t figure out exactly how this movie ends within five seconds of it starting, you should drink the bleach underneath your kitchen sink and die.

Fuck this movie.