A toast to religion!

I read this dude’s post on a messageboard recently and felt like sharing it because, well… he pretty much writes why I feel religion, be it Islam, Judaism, Christianity or whatever the fuck, is a bunch of steamy bullshit.

He recounts the tale of an encounter with a bible banging former friend of his:

“A friend of mine got born again and asked me why I wasn't religious. I asked him why he was religious and he told me about how anyone, anyone at all, no matter what they'd done in their life could find forgiveness in jesus just by asking for that forgiveness and go on to enter heaven and he thought that brotherhood of man was beautiful and holy.

'So what happens to people who don't ask jesus to forgive them?'

'They go to hell'

'So let me get this right, if a serial child molester who murders hundreds of people embraces jesus on his death bed, he goes to heaven, no harm, no foul, despite being an abomination for his entire existence?'

'Uhuh'

"But if a woman who lives in, say rural China and has never heard of Jesus or the catholic church, but has spent her entire life sheltering and caring for orphans and has saved hundreds of lives and been basically the perfect person dies believing in Confucianism or Buddhism instead of a man she's never heard of, she spends an eternity in torment?'

'uhhh, yeah, I guess'

'And you worship the worthless fucking cunt who'd create a universe where that could happen?'

And that’s why we don't talk anymore.”

But there IS wisdom to be found in the bible. Some of it just needs to be cleared up, that’s all. Take this list for example:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that a man is allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness--Leviticus 15:19-24. The problem is, most women take offense when they're asked if they're unclean.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord--Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton-polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Leviticus 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?