Asshole

Ok – by now everyone knows I love my country, blah blah blah. That, however, does not mean that I ignore its faults. For example, there is one thing that seems unique to our culture and it drives me up the freakin’ wall. That thing is the frivolous law suit.

I believe America is a place where the individual is afforded opportunities to achieve greatness. When properly motivated, one can accomplish great things here – the system is set up for individuals to take destiny into their own hands. Sometimes they do stupid things then move on. Other times, they do stupid things and, rather than accepting the fact that they’ve done something retarded, they point fingers at other people in an attempt to absolve themselves of any guilt. Take the lady who spilled coffee in her lap and then sued McDonald’s. Or the jerkoff that broke into a family’s house, got trapped in it, and sued them because he couldn’t get out. Everyone knows what I’m talking about.

Every now and then, though, there comes someone who takes things to a whole new level. Take Curtis Gokey of Lodi, California for example:

A city dump truck backed into his car so he sued the city for damages. That seems reasonable until you get to the part where you discover Gokey was driving the dump truck. In other words, Gokey (a city employee, for our non-Mensa friends) backed his work truck into his private car, admitted he did it and that it was completely his fault, but he’s still suing the city because a city vehicle caused the damage to his car.

The city dismissed his claim because Gokey was, in essence, suing himself. Did he slink away with his tail between his legs, a defeated man? Hell no!! This is America: it cannot possibly be his fault!

So what happened next? Hoping to take advantage of a legal loophole, his wife is filing a new claim against the city under her own name and she’s asking for more money than her husband asked for in the original claim.

This case, it will be argued, also lacks merit because she cannot sue her own husband. Under California law, a married couple is a single entity but the case is still pending in Lodi City Hall.

Here’s how I would handle things: I would let them sue and then let them win. Then when they came to pick up the money, they would get an envelope with anthrax instead. Then they couldn’t contaminate our country with any more of their irresponsible stupidity. I’d run a tight ship if I were in charge…